home.

i'm ready for break to be over. that's probably not a good thing since i came home last thursday and it's only monday.

i am alone here.

i want break to end so i can get back to school, but what then? i'm there until graduation and then after that i come back home for an indefinite amount of time. cool.

where are my plans? gone.

what if i don't want to go to grad school? what if i just want to work in a library and be a wife? would anyone be proud of me then? good question. i've already heard at least one person say how big of a waste that would be. thanks for the support.

i see the problems here; i know why i'm miserable, but i don't know how to alter the variables. it isn't my place to make a lot of the changes that need to be made; i don't live here.

it would be nice to have a hint of a backbone, eh?

here's to the jellyfish.

thoughts, after a long while

i'm tired of being bullied. provided, i LET the bullying happen, but i wish people didn't constantly revert to treating me like a doormat. yeah, i'm angry. and i'm hurt. and i'm tired. and i think i'm warranted in all those emotions.

i am sick of people's crap, really, that's all there is to it. i wondered where my tolerance and patience went, but i think there comes a time when it's no longer healthy to pretend that problems don't exist, or to "wait it out," hoping that things get better. i hate conflict. i fear it. but i think the time for it fast approaching. friends don't treat each other like this. and if you don't know that, then you aren't who i thought you were.

have you ever wished...

that you were a hippie? i have. i wish that right now, actually. mostly because of the mental images i get when i hear this song.

november 29th

my heart is crying out for You, oh, God.
let me be more pleasing to You.
let me be more like You.
Lord, shine through me and use me.
take my life and make it YOURS.

i'm under His blanket

God's timing is perfect. It is perfect and it is unknown to us. Why the heck do we (and when I say "we" I really mean "I", but I'm hoping others relate to this) allow ourselves to become obsessed with knowing the whens, wheres, and hows of God's plans for us? I think for me it's a manifestation of how organized I try to be... If I don't know what God's plans are, how can I be sure that I'm in the right place at the right time to be sure they happen as they're supposed to? Ha, what a completely absurd thought. God works whether I'm in the "right place" or not.

I guess I've been thinking about effectiveness in the Kingdom lately, as well. I know that God will work through any situation, but which situation will He be able to work BEST in? How can I prepare myself to be ready 100% for God to use me? Most importantly, WHY AM I STRUGGLING WITH THIS?! It's definitely not my place to seek control. You know what IS my job? Striving after God. Dedicating my whole heart to Him, unabashedly. Holding nothing back from Him. Losing myself in His presence. Praying ceaselessly for the Holy Spirit to fill me.

I allow myself to be distracted from this far too much. BUT! My heart is burning again. He is set in my sight and I'm not looking away. Not this time.


Current inspiration:
Last verse of "Under the Blanket" by Trevor Hall

Drop to my knees and start to pray for love that fills the seas.
Awake inside my heart, awaken all Your burning fire.
Purify me til I see Your beautiful empire.
Wash me in and wash me out until my wings are clean
so I can fly up to the moon and watch the world breathe.
Please reveal Your love in everything I do and see.
I bow again and again to your Highness that I need.

Words

I long for wisdom and the ability to express my thoughts fully. Sometimes I'm at a loss for insight and I feel like less of an encouragement because I don't know the right thing to say. I suppose sometimes the key is not saying anything and just listening. But what about when there SHOULD be a response? Hm, I'm praying about that one.

Words are important. Why is that something that so many people ignore? Speaking words of life, love, and encouragement into someone can make all the difference. Speaking words that tear down and hurt are a cancer to the soul. They slowly affect everything in a person, killing them little by little. James 3: 5-6 says,

"Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."

It seems that no one accounts for this anymore. I don't either. Something to work on.

Apart from being able to hinder people, words can be the single most effective way of building up the body, as well. Ephesians 4:29 reads, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." And it WILL benefit.

I have made some amazing new friends this year, let's call two of them "Sam" and "George". Sam has this way about him that just being in his presence is uplifting. He doesn't have to say a thing, but still there is a peace that comes with sitting in the same room as him. The Holy Spirit shines through him in awesome ways. He, unlike me, frequently has the most wise advice and the most tuned in listening ear. I can't sing enough praises about him... or rather, his consistent willingness to let God work through him.

Getting to know George has been sort of atypical, to say the least. It all started when Sam told me that George and I would be perfect friends because we are the "same person". Even though it sounds weird, I was really nervous to integrate friend groups because it's a lot of pressure trying to get to know (and sure, maybe even impress a little bit)someone who is supposedly you in opposite gender form. After we'd hung out in large groups together, we began chatting on facebook every now and then. Wow, he is one of the most interesting people I've had the opportunity of getting to know. His heart is amazing and, like Sam, has an incredible willingness to let God use him.

I greatly appreciate his openness and honesty with me. [Sidebar: George is very easy to open up to. Though I don't know him TOO too well, I have shared some struggles with him... I never do that with anyone but Bloggy, here.] I could use more people like him in my life. People that tell me "shut up and listen to Him". Those words, while blunt, have ultimately served to push me forward and have made me desire to seek wisdom straight from the Word.

I am so grateful for these new friends and I hope that we can continue diving into deeper relationship that will be mutually beneficial and consistently glorifying to God. I think these means trying to have good conversation somewhere other than on a computer screen?

Fritz Perls Part II

Lots of homework. Stressed. Great conversation last night... challenging, encouraging, convicting. He's too dang good. I'm not good enough. HE is too dang awesome. No one is good enough. But we are because He says we are. Beautiful.