home.

i'm ready for break to be over. that's probably not a good thing since i came home last thursday and it's only monday.

i am alone here.

i want break to end so i can get back to school, but what then? i'm there until graduation and then after that i come back home for an indefinite amount of time. cool.

where are my plans? gone.

what if i don't want to go to grad school? what if i just want to work in a library and be a wife? would anyone be proud of me then? good question. i've already heard at least one person say how big of a waste that would be. thanks for the support.

i see the problems here; i know why i'm miserable, but i don't know how to alter the variables. it isn't my place to make a lot of the changes that need to be made; i don't live here.

it would be nice to have a hint of a backbone, eh?

here's to the jellyfish.

thoughts, after a long while

i'm tired of being bullied. provided, i LET the bullying happen, but i wish people didn't constantly revert to treating me like a doormat. yeah, i'm angry. and i'm hurt. and i'm tired. and i think i'm warranted in all those emotions.

i am sick of people's crap, really, that's all there is to it. i wondered where my tolerance and patience went, but i think there comes a time when it's no longer healthy to pretend that problems don't exist, or to "wait it out," hoping that things get better. i hate conflict. i fear it. but i think the time for it fast approaching. friends don't treat each other like this. and if you don't know that, then you aren't who i thought you were.

have you ever wished...

that you were a hippie? i have. i wish that right now, actually. mostly because of the mental images i get when i hear this song.

november 29th

my heart is crying out for You, oh, God.
let me be more pleasing to You.
let me be more like You.
Lord, shine through me and use me.
take my life and make it YOURS.

i'm under His blanket

God's timing is perfect. It is perfect and it is unknown to us. Why the heck do we (and when I say "we" I really mean "I", but I'm hoping others relate to this) allow ourselves to become obsessed with knowing the whens, wheres, and hows of God's plans for us? I think for me it's a manifestation of how organized I try to be... If I don't know what God's plans are, how can I be sure that I'm in the right place at the right time to be sure they happen as they're supposed to? Ha, what a completely absurd thought. God works whether I'm in the "right place" or not.

I guess I've been thinking about effectiveness in the Kingdom lately, as well. I know that God will work through any situation, but which situation will He be able to work BEST in? How can I prepare myself to be ready 100% for God to use me? Most importantly, WHY AM I STRUGGLING WITH THIS?! It's definitely not my place to seek control. You know what IS my job? Striving after God. Dedicating my whole heart to Him, unabashedly. Holding nothing back from Him. Losing myself in His presence. Praying ceaselessly for the Holy Spirit to fill me.

I allow myself to be distracted from this far too much. BUT! My heart is burning again. He is set in my sight and I'm not looking away. Not this time.


Current inspiration:
Last verse of "Under the Blanket" by Trevor Hall

Drop to my knees and start to pray for love that fills the seas.
Awake inside my heart, awaken all Your burning fire.
Purify me til I see Your beautiful empire.
Wash me in and wash me out until my wings are clean
so I can fly up to the moon and watch the world breathe.
Please reveal Your love in everything I do and see.
I bow again and again to your Highness that I need.

Words

I long for wisdom and the ability to express my thoughts fully. Sometimes I'm at a loss for insight and I feel like less of an encouragement because I don't know the right thing to say. I suppose sometimes the key is not saying anything and just listening. But what about when there SHOULD be a response? Hm, I'm praying about that one.

Words are important. Why is that something that so many people ignore? Speaking words of life, love, and encouragement into someone can make all the difference. Speaking words that tear down and hurt are a cancer to the soul. They slowly affect everything in a person, killing them little by little. James 3: 5-6 says,

"Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."

It seems that no one accounts for this anymore. I don't either. Something to work on.

Apart from being able to hinder people, words can be the single most effective way of building up the body, as well. Ephesians 4:29 reads, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." And it WILL benefit.

I have made some amazing new friends this year, let's call two of them "Sam" and "George". Sam has this way about him that just being in his presence is uplifting. He doesn't have to say a thing, but still there is a peace that comes with sitting in the same room as him. The Holy Spirit shines through him in awesome ways. He, unlike me, frequently has the most wise advice and the most tuned in listening ear. I can't sing enough praises about him... or rather, his consistent willingness to let God work through him.

Getting to know George has been sort of atypical, to say the least. It all started when Sam told me that George and I would be perfect friends because we are the "same person". Even though it sounds weird, I was really nervous to integrate friend groups because it's a lot of pressure trying to get to know (and sure, maybe even impress a little bit)someone who is supposedly you in opposite gender form. After we'd hung out in large groups together, we began chatting on facebook every now and then. Wow, he is one of the most interesting people I've had the opportunity of getting to know. His heart is amazing and, like Sam, has an incredible willingness to let God use him.

I greatly appreciate his openness and honesty with me. [Sidebar: George is very easy to open up to. Though I don't know him TOO too well, I have shared some struggles with him... I never do that with anyone but Bloggy, here.] I could use more people like him in my life. People that tell me "shut up and listen to Him". Those words, while blunt, have ultimately served to push me forward and have made me desire to seek wisdom straight from the Word.

I am so grateful for these new friends and I hope that we can continue diving into deeper relationship that will be mutually beneficial and consistently glorifying to God. I think these means trying to have good conversation somewhere other than on a computer screen?

Fritz Perls Part II

Lots of homework. Stressed. Great conversation last night... challenging, encouraging, convicting. He's too dang good. I'm not good enough. HE is too dang awesome. No one is good enough. But we are because He says we are. Beautiful.

Fritz Perls Style

Lately I'm alone even when there are people around. Quoted Bonhoeffer at lunch... felt pretentious. Apparently my face is never without a scowl. When did that happen? Can't I make decisions without there being 100 implications? Maybe I just never thought about gauging my ears before Beth asked if I wanted to. No, this was not to fit in better. Fit in with who? Clearly I fit with no one because I'm left out 80% of the time. Hurt. Downpour soaked me but I didn't hate it. I love rain. Quiet would be nice. Too many feelings. Emo. I hate emo kids. I AM an emo kid right now. Disgusting.

Honesty? I don't know what that is right now. I don't know how to say no. Choking on my own inner tension. Angry and annoyed. Violence has never been my thing, but I could use a physical outlet of some sort right now. God. Where does God fit in to this? Where do I fit into Him? Lies. Twice today already. Freaking great. Failure.

is this real life?

i feel like i'm too plugged in. i know it's lame and i opted into all of it, but i feel like all of the social networking sites i'm part of allow me to become anyone i wish to be. i can have one personality on facebook, a different (more emo screamo) personality on here, yet another one (more nerdy/goofy)on twitter, and still others on tumblr and last.fm.

i think it's interesting how different sides of angela manifest in different outlets. i'll bet money that it's because i know who sees each of these websites. i carefully monitor how i'm portraying myself based on who will see it. i'm no better than the average mask-wearing weenie.

i suppose the combination of all of those things is me... or maybe it's still not. hm, i'm on the verge of an existential crisis. oh well, i'll deal with it another day.

Come Out of the Cave Walking on Your Hands

I have a Greek test tomorrow that I am semi-unprepared for. I dislike that feeling. I am not woefully unprepared. I like that feeling.

I greatly enjoy my biweekly lunches with Jesse... and I'm not just saying that because I think he actually reads my blog. I'm just saying it because it's on my mind.

Sometimes I wish I could take on the life a totally different person for one day. Maybe someday I'll wear a disguise and act very unlike myself. Probably not.

I don't think I'm going to reapply to be an RA next year. We'll see.

It would be wonderful to have a three day period with no responsibilities and no people around so I could just rest and be productive.

I am too nostalgic for my own good a lot of the time. I'm also too much of a hopeless romantic for my own good. I usually pretend that love sickens me and I make sarcastic disgusted comments about couples.

The clock in my dorm room ticks very loudly.

Some days I think I'm too boring for anyone to find interesting. Some days I think I'm too weird for anyone to relate to. I have no idea how people perceive me.

How He Loves Us

Why can't I be more pumped about God?
Why has apathy swallowed my motivation?
Why is it that when I hear worship music or truly wise words, I get romanticized ideas of action and service, but never follow through?
Why have I become so foolish in my faith?
Why is God NOT MY SUFFICIENCY RIGHT NOW?

Oh crap. God wants to encounter me. How can I tear down the wall that I have so willingly built up? God desires to consume my heart, but I am shoving him away. How do I get back to the point of losing myself in His presence?

I'm nothing without you, Lord. I have nowhere else to go. Please don't turn your back on me yet. I'm trying to tear down this wall brick by brick. I hate what has happened to me spiritually. Lord, fill my life with more men like Jon. Keep me surrounded by transparent people who are willing to go deep. Bring us together and unite us in Your Spirit. Keep us, Lord. Take our breath away once more.

mamihlapinatapai

a look shared by two people, with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire, but which neither one wants to start

Awake My Soul

Lately I've been mulling over the concept of worship. Essentially I've been thinking about what that word means in Christian culture and perhaps the contrast of what it SHOULD mean. I believe "worship" is FAR too closely associated with CCM music played before church services. Now don't get me wrong, that is most definitely worship, but it's not the only way to express love to our Creator.

Is it worshipful to attend church period? Yes.
Does God love it when you spend time with friends who encourage you and build your faith? Yes.
Is it an act of worship to paint something that expresses Truth? Yes.
Would it be worship to use time wisely? Yes.
When it comes to creating your own piece of music, is that a way of loving on the Lord? Yes.
Is it a way of worshiping if you remain pure in relationships? Yes.
Is it considered worship to serve someone? Yes.
When you're silent, spending some time alone, is that worship? Yes.
Are you still worshiping when you're taking the day to just rest? Yes.

And these are just the ones I could think of off the top of my head. There are a million ways to Glorify God. Thinking about this led me to another point... Can non-Christian music be worshipful? HECK YES. It's like, even if the artist doesn't call it a worship song, they are conveying a deeper Truth regardless. Even the *gasp* SECULAR musicians produce pieces of work that express a love that every human heart desires to cry out to a greater Being. Recently, I've been immersed in Mumford & Sons, an up and coming folk band, whose themes are more genuinely worshipful than those of some contemporary Christian artists making music today. I can't get enough of their brand of worship.

See what I mean:
Awake My Soul (Lyrics)
Sigh No More (Lyrics)
Roll Away Your Stone (Lyrics)
After the Storm (Lyrics)

Thoughts on Humanity as it Relates to Relationships

People suck.
Like, they suck BAD.
*facepalm*

Tie Me Up! Untie Me!

I wish I could look into my heart and know what I want. I wish I could fabricate a life that I could be SURE would include satisfaction, fulfillment and love. I wish that I could be less socially inept. I wish my neurosis would take a backseat for once, instead of driving all the time. I wish that people could SEE ME for the person I am instead of the person they THINK I am. I wish I could be informed as to who that person is.

Most importantly, I wish I would stop wishing and go live.

You Are My Sunshine

I've been thinking a lot lately... I think it's because summer's ending in T minus 4.5 days for me and I know subconsciously that once the RA training and school year get going, I won't have time to REALLY think about things other than schoolwork. Here have been some of my most prominent thoughts of late:

How are Christians supposed to balance a holy life that's set apart from the world, while still dealing with a desire to be loved and accepted by the people around them? That longing to be wanted is in every person's heart, no matter how strong or weak the desire is, it's there. But we aren't supposed to fit in with the world. We're supposed to live far above the standard of the world, even to the point of being persecuted for what we believe. We're made for good, selfless, loving community, but if the people in your own home don't understand that or aren't capable of that, how do you balance it on an emotional level? Practically, living a holy lifestyle is the priority. It's all about pleasing God, yo. But when pleasing God comes at the price of loneliness and detachment, how do you deal with those emotions?

If my relationship with my dad primarily consists of him making fun of me and I finally tell him how much it sucks to hear those things all the time, is that ruining our relationship? Crap. Did I just totally break our father-daughter connection? Hm. Looks like we need to find something else to talk about instead of how I'm no fun anymore.

Can you like someone without being attracted to them? Sometimes a person gets more attractive as you get to know them better and like their personality more, right? We'll see.

I get so frustrated... no... SO FRUSTRATED by parents who aren't consistent in the discipline of their children. I don't care if you and I have different thoughts on the "right" way to discipline, just be consistent. Spank them, paddle them, yell at them, reason with them, take things away, whatever it is you do, DO IT. If you aren't consistent with your discipline, your kid won't know for sure where the boundary is that you're trying to set! Bajeebers!

I'm terrified of how the collective global population idolizes progress. *shudder*

I'd really like this one sweet tattoo on my left foot, but I just found out that this creep of a guy has the same thing tattooed on his shoulder... I mean, the one I want is sweeter because it includes some lyrics from my favorite hymn, but still. I'm torn now. I might get it anyway. I might redesign. Poo.

It's interesting how people are always striving to gain the affirmation of other people. Donald Miller wrote about this in his book Searching For God Knows What. He called this affirmation seeking behavior the Lifeboat Theory. You know that exercise you've heard about kids doing for "values clarification" purposes? You know the one: there's a lifeboat that can hold 5 people, there are six people trying to get on... a successful lawyer, a doctor, a housewife, her son with Down Syndrome, a four star chef, and a college student. Which one doesn't make it on the boat? Well, each one presumably makes an argument as to why he or she should be allowed on the boat. Life is this way, too. Everyone goes around talking about their accomplishments, what they have to offer, and why keeping them around would be better for everyone else as well. You know what I say? That's BULL. On one hand, you have the fact that we aren't supposed to be trying to please everyone else!! God gave us our talents, we use them to glorify God, not to exalt ourselves or prove ourselves "worthy" of acceptance. We don't have to SELL ourselves to be get affirmation! We are who we are. Period. And on the other hand you have the fact that there's room enough for everyone in the boat already, so no justification is needed. Jesus tossed himself out of the boat a looooong time ago so that there'd be enough room for us all. It's about time people start to recognize that, fall to their knees in thanksgiving, and stop being SO ANNOYING by trying to outdo everyone else to prove themselves "better candidates" for the boat.

I miss my lost best guy friend. This time it was my fault that I lost him.

Camping is one of the great joys of life. There is nothing like being outside all day and all night. God's creation is so beautiful and so full of life and music. What a brilliant God we serve.

Run Free

"And so I grew from colt to stallion, as wild and as reckless as thunder over the land. Racing with the eagle, soaring with the wind. Flying? There were times I believed I could."

This may or may not be a quote from the movie "Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron". Okay, okay, it is. My niece is in the other room watching "Spirit" for the very first time, and I overheard that piece of the title character's monologue-esque thoughts.

Have you ever had those moments where your heart was so full, you felt like you could take anything the world could throw your way? In the moment those moments feel like they're going to last forever. Like there's no way you can come down from the high. Yes, if you try hard enough, you can fly.

It's as soon as you take the leap off of the garage roof in your attempt to fly that you realize those moments of natural ecstasy are fleeting. We've all had those elusive perfect summer nights, wonderfully productive days, and hang out sessions that we wish would never end, but like all things they DO end. In the aforementioned movie, Spirit ends up being captured and his freedom comes to an abrupt end.

It's heartbreaking when the good times come to an end, but would we REALLY prefer to have nothing but good days? Would we appreciate them as much? I think not. I know a million people have talked about this before, but I sit here convicted by this thought. I was thinking that I haven't had one of those great, full-heart days in such a long time, I'm starting to forget what it feels like. But you know what? Maybe it'll be when I'm down to the last shred of a memory of that feeling that God will bless me with one of those times.

How much sweeter would a drink of water seem after spending 5 hours in a desert, rather than after spending 5 hours in a swimming pool? I'm thankful for my deserts.

No Man's A Stone

I want to know you.
I want to know everything about you. Your favorite color, the movies you watch, the first song that ever gave you chills.
Not only the facts, though. I want to know your convictions and why you feel so strongly about them. I want to see the world from your eyes. I already know that I love the way you perceive things, and I want just to experience a little glimpse of what you see.
Let me know your heart. Tell me your secrets. You can trust me. I promise to always be the person you can turn to and rely on; I know you'll be that for me, too.
Sing with me. Hold my hand.
Let's go on a trip to nowhere. To anywhere. To EVERYwhere. Just us.
I pray that we let our walls fall down. You are my love.

"Walls Fall Down" by Bedouin Soundclash

Meet my good friend, Internet.

So the interwebs are alive and well, and, as always, a great way of frittering away precious time. There are some sites that I am constantly checking to get a good laugh. Lulz. lollerskates and roflcopters. You know what I mean. Upon the urging of one miss Kelly Kubiak, I've decided to make a definitive list of THE top-notch sites to waste time on. Happy trolling!

1. Omegle. This is the significantly less creepy version of Chatroulette. IMing with strangers proves to be A) wicked entertaining, B) a great place to go for good music recs, and C)a place to meet pretty cool people from time to time.

2. Chatroulette Trolling. This is a compendium of hilarity from Omegle, Chatroulette, and Yahoo Answers... plus the occasional Youtube video. This one keeps me laughing for a loooong time.

3. Omegle Conversations. Like Chatroulette Trolling, this is a submission-based site, but it is exclusive to, well, omegle conversations. Some are short, some are very long, but they're almost all pure gold.

4. Wedinator. Yep, this on is all about wedding wins and fails. Some people's weddings deserve massive facepalms and some warrant a long life of happiness. Both types are captured on this site.

5. Totally Looks Like. Side by side comparisons of things that look like other things! Okay, doesn't sound captivating, but it DEFINITELY is.

6. Stumble Upon. I haven't used this as much since I've found the others on the list, but it's still extremely noteworthy. Check boxes next to your interests and click stumble... You will be taken on a custom made journey around the internet. :)

7. Stereo Mood. This one isn't really for the lulz so much, but that doesn't make it any less awesome. It's an online radio service, like last.fm or pandora, but it has huge music selections specific to certain moods or activities that you might be doing. Very eclectic selection, but always accurate.

8. Very Demotivational. Demotivational posters with a pop-culture spin. HILARIOUS.

9. Comixed. Comic strips made from pictures of pop-culture icons... I swear, my description is just not good enough for how good the site is.

10. Awkward Family Photos. The site name says it all.

11. Your scene sucks. Breaks down every type of scenester there is, complete with cartoon diagram and full description.

12. Look at this f***ing hipster. Blog style site with countless pictures of hipsters in their natural environment.

13. Unrelated Captions. Pictures with captions that have nothing to do with each other at all. BAHAHA

14. Failbook. Everything gone wrong on facebook under one URL.

15. Tots and Crafts. Kids draw/write/make the DARNDEST things.

Okay. That's all I've got for now. If I can think of any more, there will totally be a definitive list part TWO!

The Up and Up

Since my last post, I have grown in my contentment again, slowly but surely. I still long for adventures and I still wish Peter Pan was my best friend (oh wait, that wasn't in my blog, was it? haha) but I've been trying to live up my summer to the most and re-perspective-ize it. There's this song by Local Natives called "Sun Hands" that has done much good for my heart. The lyrics are so beautiful to me:

I climbed to the top of a hill
But I had just missed the sun
And although the descending arc was gone
Left behind were the traces that always follow along

The most beautiful colors chase the sun
They wrap her trail in a taunting gesture
That seems to sing out loud,
"this is what you're missing"

I'll endure the night
For the promise of light

I want to lift my hands towards the sun
Show me warmth
Baby, won't you show me warmth again?
And when I can feel with my sun hands
I'll promise not to lose her again
And even if the morning never comes
My hands are blessed to have touched the sun

And when I can feel with my sun hands
I promise not to lose her again