I wish I could look into my heart and know what I want. I wish I could fabricate a life that I could be SURE would include satisfaction, fulfillment and love. I wish that I could be less socially inept. I wish my neurosis would take a backseat for once, instead of driving all the time. I wish that people could SEE ME for the person I am instead of the person they THINK I am. I wish I could be informed as to who that person is.
Most importantly, I wish I would stop wishing and go live.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
You Are My Sunshine
I've been thinking a lot lately... I think it's because summer's ending in T minus 4.5 days for me and I know subconsciously that once the RA training and school year get going, I won't have time to REALLY think about things other than schoolwork. Here have been some of my most prominent thoughts of late:
How are Christians supposed to balance a holy life that's set apart from the world, while still dealing with a desire to be loved and accepted by the people around them? That longing to be wanted is in every person's heart, no matter how strong or weak the desire is, it's there. But we aren't supposed to fit in with the world. We're supposed to live far above the standard of the world, even to the point of being persecuted for what we believe. We're made for good, selfless, loving community, but if the people in your own home don't understand that or aren't capable of that, how do you balance it on an emotional level? Practically, living a holy lifestyle is the priority. It's all about pleasing God, yo. But when pleasing God comes at the price of loneliness and detachment, how do you deal with those emotions?
If my relationship with my dad primarily consists of him making fun of me and I finally tell him how much it sucks to hear those things all the time, is that ruining our relationship? Crap. Did I just totally break our father-daughter connection? Hm. Looks like we need to find something else to talk about instead of how I'm no fun anymore.
Can you like someone without being attracted to them? Sometimes a person gets more attractive as you get to know them better and like their personality more, right? We'll see.
I get so frustrated... no... SO FRUSTRATED by parents who aren't consistent in the discipline of their children. I don't care if you and I have different thoughts on the "right" way to discipline, just be consistent. Spank them, paddle them, yell at them, reason with them, take things away, whatever it is you do, DO IT. If you aren't consistent with your discipline, your kid won't know for sure where the boundary is that you're trying to set! Bajeebers!
I'm terrified of how the collective global population idolizes progress. *shudder*
I'd really like this one sweet tattoo on my left foot, but I just found out that this creep of a guy has the same thing tattooed on his shoulder... I mean, the one I want is sweeter because it includes some lyrics from my favorite hymn, but still. I'm torn now. I might get it anyway. I might redesign. Poo.
It's interesting how people are always striving to gain the affirmation of other people. Donald Miller wrote about this in his book Searching For God Knows What. He called this affirmation seeking behavior the Lifeboat Theory. You know that exercise you've heard about kids doing for "values clarification" purposes? You know the one: there's a lifeboat that can hold 5 people, there are six people trying to get on... a successful lawyer, a doctor, a housewife, her son with Down Syndrome, a four star chef, and a college student. Which one doesn't make it on the boat? Well, each one presumably makes an argument as to why he or she should be allowed on the boat. Life is this way, too. Everyone goes around talking about their accomplishments, what they have to offer, and why keeping them around would be better for everyone else as well. You know what I say? That's BULL. On one hand, you have the fact that we aren't supposed to be trying to please everyone else!! God gave us our talents, we use them to glorify God, not to exalt ourselves or prove ourselves "worthy" of acceptance. We don't have to SELL ourselves to be get affirmation! We are who we are. Period. And on the other hand you have the fact that there's room enough for everyone in the boat already, so no justification is needed. Jesus tossed himself out of the boat a looooong time ago so that there'd be enough room for us all. It's about time people start to recognize that, fall to their knees in thanksgiving, and stop being SO ANNOYING by trying to outdo everyone else to prove themselves "better candidates" for the boat.
I miss my lost best guy friend. This time it was my fault that I lost him.
Camping is one of the great joys of life. There is nothing like being outside all day and all night. God's creation is so beautiful and so full of life and music. What a brilliant God we serve.
How are Christians supposed to balance a holy life that's set apart from the world, while still dealing with a desire to be loved and accepted by the people around them? That longing to be wanted is in every person's heart, no matter how strong or weak the desire is, it's there. But we aren't supposed to fit in with the world. We're supposed to live far above the standard of the world, even to the point of being persecuted for what we believe. We're made for good, selfless, loving community, but if the people in your own home don't understand that or aren't capable of that, how do you balance it on an emotional level? Practically, living a holy lifestyle is the priority. It's all about pleasing God, yo. But when pleasing God comes at the price of loneliness and detachment, how do you deal with those emotions?
If my relationship with my dad primarily consists of him making fun of me and I finally tell him how much it sucks to hear those things all the time, is that ruining our relationship? Crap. Did I just totally break our father-daughter connection? Hm. Looks like we need to find something else to talk about instead of how I'm no fun anymore.
Can you like someone without being attracted to them? Sometimes a person gets more attractive as you get to know them better and like their personality more, right? We'll see.
I get so frustrated... no... SO FRUSTRATED by parents who aren't consistent in the discipline of their children. I don't care if you and I have different thoughts on the "right" way to discipline, just be consistent. Spank them, paddle them, yell at them, reason with them, take things away, whatever it is you do, DO IT. If you aren't consistent with your discipline, your kid won't know for sure where the boundary is that you're trying to set! Bajeebers!
I'm terrified of how the collective global population idolizes progress. *shudder*
I'd really like this one sweet tattoo on my left foot, but I just found out that this creep of a guy has the same thing tattooed on his shoulder... I mean, the one I want is sweeter because it includes some lyrics from my favorite hymn, but still. I'm torn now. I might get it anyway. I might redesign. Poo.
It's interesting how people are always striving to gain the affirmation of other people. Donald Miller wrote about this in his book Searching For God Knows What. He called this affirmation seeking behavior the Lifeboat Theory. You know that exercise you've heard about kids doing for "values clarification" purposes? You know the one: there's a lifeboat that can hold 5 people, there are six people trying to get on... a successful lawyer, a doctor, a housewife, her son with Down Syndrome, a four star chef, and a college student. Which one doesn't make it on the boat? Well, each one presumably makes an argument as to why he or she should be allowed on the boat. Life is this way, too. Everyone goes around talking about their accomplishments, what they have to offer, and why keeping them around would be better for everyone else as well. You know what I say? That's BULL. On one hand, you have the fact that we aren't supposed to be trying to please everyone else!! God gave us our talents, we use them to glorify God, not to exalt ourselves or prove ourselves "worthy" of acceptance. We don't have to SELL ourselves to be get affirmation! We are who we are. Period. And on the other hand you have the fact that there's room enough for everyone in the boat already, so no justification is needed. Jesus tossed himself out of the boat a looooong time ago so that there'd be enough room for us all. It's about time people start to recognize that, fall to their knees in thanksgiving, and stop being SO ANNOYING by trying to outdo everyone else to prove themselves "better candidates" for the boat.
I miss my lost best guy friend. This time it was my fault that I lost him.
Camping is one of the great joys of life. There is nothing like being outside all day and all night. God's creation is so beautiful and so full of life and music. What a brilliant God we serve.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Run Free
"And so I grew from colt to stallion, as wild and as reckless as thunder over the land. Racing with the eagle, soaring with the wind. Flying? There were times I believed I could."
This may or may not be a quote from the movie "Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron". Okay, okay, it is. My niece is in the other room watching "Spirit" for the very first time, and I overheard that piece of the title character's monologue-esque thoughts.
Have you ever had those moments where your heart was so full, you felt like you could take anything the world could throw your way? In the moment those moments feel like they're going to last forever. Like there's no way you can come down from the high. Yes, if you try hard enough, you can fly.
It's as soon as you take the leap off of the garage roof in your attempt to fly that you realize those moments of natural ecstasy are fleeting. We've all had those elusive perfect summer nights, wonderfully productive days, and hang out sessions that we wish would never end, but like all things they DO end. In the aforementioned movie, Spirit ends up being captured and his freedom comes to an abrupt end.
It's heartbreaking when the good times come to an end, but would we REALLY prefer to have nothing but good days? Would we appreciate them as much? I think not. I know a million people have talked about this before, but I sit here convicted by this thought. I was thinking that I haven't had one of those great, full-heart days in such a long time, I'm starting to forget what it feels like. But you know what? Maybe it'll be when I'm down to the last shred of a memory of that feeling that God will bless me with one of those times.
How much sweeter would a drink of water seem after spending 5 hours in a desert, rather than after spending 5 hours in a swimming pool? I'm thankful for my deserts.
This may or may not be a quote from the movie "Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron". Okay, okay, it is. My niece is in the other room watching "Spirit" for the very first time, and I overheard that piece of the title character's monologue-esque thoughts.
Have you ever had those moments where your heart was so full, you felt like you could take anything the world could throw your way? In the moment those moments feel like they're going to last forever. Like there's no way you can come down from the high. Yes, if you try hard enough, you can fly.
It's as soon as you take the leap off of the garage roof in your attempt to fly that you realize those moments of natural ecstasy are fleeting. We've all had those elusive perfect summer nights, wonderfully productive days, and hang out sessions that we wish would never end, but like all things they DO end. In the aforementioned movie, Spirit ends up being captured and his freedom comes to an abrupt end.
It's heartbreaking when the good times come to an end, but would we REALLY prefer to have nothing but good days? Would we appreciate them as much? I think not. I know a million people have talked about this before, but I sit here convicted by this thought. I was thinking that I haven't had one of those great, full-heart days in such a long time, I'm starting to forget what it feels like. But you know what? Maybe it'll be when I'm down to the last shred of a memory of that feeling that God will bless me with one of those times.
How much sweeter would a drink of water seem after spending 5 hours in a desert, rather than after spending 5 hours in a swimming pool? I'm thankful for my deserts.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
No Man's A Stone
I want to know you.
I want to know everything about you. Your favorite color, the movies you watch, the first song that ever gave you chills.
Not only the facts, though. I want to know your convictions and why you feel so strongly about them. I want to see the world from your eyes. I already know that I love the way you perceive things, and I want just to experience a little glimpse of what you see.
Let me know your heart. Tell me your secrets. You can trust me. I promise to always be the person you can turn to and rely on; I know you'll be that for me, too.
Sing with me. Hold my hand.
Let's go on a trip to nowhere. To anywhere. To EVERYwhere. Just us.
I pray that we let our walls fall down. You are my love.
"Walls Fall Down" by Bedouin Soundclash
I want to know everything about you. Your favorite color, the movies you watch, the first song that ever gave you chills.
Not only the facts, though. I want to know your convictions and why you feel so strongly about them. I want to see the world from your eyes. I already know that I love the way you perceive things, and I want just to experience a little glimpse of what you see.
Let me know your heart. Tell me your secrets. You can trust me. I promise to always be the person you can turn to and rely on; I know you'll be that for me, too.
Sing with me. Hold my hand.
Let's go on a trip to nowhere. To anywhere. To EVERYwhere. Just us.
I pray that we let our walls fall down. You are my love.
"Walls Fall Down" by Bedouin Soundclash
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Meet my good friend, Internet.
So the interwebs are alive and well, and, as always, a great way of frittering away precious time. There are some sites that I am constantly checking to get a good laugh. Lulz. lollerskates and roflcopters. You know what I mean. Upon the urging of one miss Kelly Kubiak, I've decided to make a definitive list of THE top-notch sites to waste time on. Happy trolling!
1. Omegle. This is the significantly less creepy version of Chatroulette. IMing with strangers proves to be A) wicked entertaining, B) a great place to go for good music recs, and C)a place to meet pretty cool people from time to time.
2. Chatroulette Trolling. This is a compendium of hilarity from Omegle, Chatroulette, and Yahoo Answers... plus the occasional Youtube video. This one keeps me laughing for a loooong time.
3. Omegle Conversations. Like Chatroulette Trolling, this is a submission-based site, but it is exclusive to, well, omegle conversations. Some are short, some are very long, but they're almost all pure gold.
4. Wedinator. Yep, this on is all about wedding wins and fails. Some people's weddings deserve massive facepalms and some warrant a long life of happiness. Both types are captured on this site.
5. Totally Looks Like. Side by side comparisons of things that look like other things! Okay, doesn't sound captivating, but it DEFINITELY is.
6. Stumble Upon. I haven't used this as much since I've found the others on the list, but it's still extremely noteworthy. Check boxes next to your interests and click stumble... You will be taken on a custom made journey around the internet. :)
7. Stereo Mood. This one isn't really for the lulz so much, but that doesn't make it any less awesome. It's an online radio service, like last.fm or pandora, but it has huge music selections specific to certain moods or activities that you might be doing. Very eclectic selection, but always accurate.
8. Very Demotivational. Demotivational posters with a pop-culture spin. HILARIOUS.
9. Comixed. Comic strips made from pictures of pop-culture icons... I swear, my description is just not good enough for how good the site is.
10. Awkward Family Photos. The site name says it all.
11. Your scene sucks. Breaks down every type of scenester there is, complete with cartoon diagram and full description.
12. Look at this f***ing hipster. Blog style site with countless pictures of hipsters in their natural environment.
13. Unrelated Captions. Pictures with captions that have nothing to do with each other at all. BAHAHA
14. Failbook. Everything gone wrong on facebook under one URL.
15. Tots and Crafts. Kids draw/write/make the DARNDEST things.
Okay. That's all I've got for now. If I can think of any more, there will totally be a definitive list part TWO!
1. Omegle. This is the significantly less creepy version of Chatroulette. IMing with strangers proves to be A) wicked entertaining, B) a great place to go for good music recs, and C)a place to meet pretty cool people from time to time.
2. Chatroulette Trolling. This is a compendium of hilarity from Omegle, Chatroulette, and Yahoo Answers... plus the occasional Youtube video. This one keeps me laughing for a loooong time.
3. Omegle Conversations. Like Chatroulette Trolling, this is a submission-based site, but it is exclusive to, well, omegle conversations. Some are short, some are very long, but they're almost all pure gold.
4. Wedinator. Yep, this on is all about wedding wins and fails. Some people's weddings deserve massive facepalms and some warrant a long life of happiness. Both types are captured on this site.
5. Totally Looks Like. Side by side comparisons of things that look like other things! Okay, doesn't sound captivating, but it DEFINITELY is.
6. Stumble Upon. I haven't used this as much since I've found the others on the list, but it's still extremely noteworthy. Check boxes next to your interests and click stumble... You will be taken on a custom made journey around the internet. :)
7. Stereo Mood. This one isn't really for the lulz so much, but that doesn't make it any less awesome. It's an online radio service, like last.fm or pandora, but it has huge music selections specific to certain moods or activities that you might be doing. Very eclectic selection, but always accurate.
8. Very Demotivational. Demotivational posters with a pop-culture spin. HILARIOUS.
9. Comixed. Comic strips made from pictures of pop-culture icons... I swear, my description is just not good enough for how good the site is.
10. Awkward Family Photos. The site name says it all.
11. Your scene sucks. Breaks down every type of scenester there is, complete with cartoon diagram and full description.
12. Look at this f***ing hipster. Blog style site with countless pictures of hipsters in their natural environment.
13. Unrelated Captions. Pictures with captions that have nothing to do with each other at all. BAHAHA
14. Failbook. Everything gone wrong on facebook under one URL.
15. Tots and Crafts. Kids draw/write/make the DARNDEST things.
Okay. That's all I've got for now. If I can think of any more, there will totally be a definitive list part TWO!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
The Up and Up
Since my last post, I have grown in my contentment again, slowly but surely. I still long for adventures and I still wish Peter Pan was my best friend (oh wait, that wasn't in my blog, was it? haha) but I've been trying to live up my summer to the most and re-perspective-ize it. There's this song by Local Natives called "Sun Hands" that has done much good for my heart. The lyrics are so beautiful to me:
I climbed to the top of a hill
But I had just missed the sun
And although the descending arc was gone
Left behind were the traces that always follow along
The most beautiful colors chase the sun
They wrap her trail in a taunting gesture
That seems to sing out loud,
"this is what you're missing"
I'll endure the night
For the promise of light
I want to lift my hands towards the sun
Show me warmth
Baby, won't you show me warmth again?
And when I can feel with my sun hands
I'll promise not to lose her again
And even if the morning never comes
My hands are blessed to have touched the sun
And when I can feel with my sun hands
I promise not to lose her again
I climbed to the top of a hill
But I had just missed the sun
And although the descending arc was gone
Left behind were the traces that always follow along
The most beautiful colors chase the sun
They wrap her trail in a taunting gesture
That seems to sing out loud,
"this is what you're missing"
I'll endure the night
For the promise of light
I want to lift my hands towards the sun
Show me warmth
Baby, won't you show me warmth again?
And when I can feel with my sun hands
I'll promise not to lose her again
And even if the morning never comes
My hands are blessed to have touched the sun
And when I can feel with my sun hands
I promise not to lose her again
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Let me be anyone but the person I have become
In the past two days, I've aged a lifetime... or at least, I've thought enough to fill a philosopher's head for a lifetime. That being said, I have a lot of things I need to get out there. This is going to be 100% me. No pretenses. No mask. It'll probably seem sort of stream-of consciousness, but I'm going to do my best to stay centered around a theme.
I am struggling. I'm struggling with a heart full of shattered dreams and broken aspirations. I am stifled. I'm stuck where I am and there doesn't seem to be a way of escape anywhere I look. I want adventure... There is nothing more that my soul craves right now than adventure. And art. And love. But art and love are adventures in themselves!
I WANT A LIFE OF CREATIVITY. To paraphrase something a friend told me once, if I don't do something creative RIGHT NOW, I'm going to go crazy. I need to put myself out there in some form. I need pieces of me to come out instead of being stuck in this skin with no one to listen but heart. My heart has had enough. My heart is exhausted and needs someone else to listen. I can't get out my creativity where I am. This dead end town and house full of discord is suffocating my spirit. Any type of creating I could think to do, I can't do here. I want to WRITE! I want to PAINT! I want to play MUSIC as LOUD as it can GO! But that won't happen here. I am stuck.
I need to go somewhere. Anywhere. I need to be a dandelion seed that floats on the wind until I find a new place to grow. I want to jump out of this skin and run as far and as fast as I can. I don't care where, just SOMEWHERE. Somewhere that has new experiences waiting, no strings attached. Somewhere where I can get over my stupid insecurities and just BE. This somewhere is anywhere else but here.
Realistically let's look at this. I am nobody. I'm never going to be that bohemian girl at the indie festival who seems to know everyone and knows exactly who she is. I won't be that girl at the coffee shop living her extravagant and awesome life as the curator of an art gallery. I won't be anyone but a nobody with the soul of an artist. I couldn't afford to live the life that I'd want, anyway. I would make friends with lots of hobos if I pursued my dreams.
Not to mention the hearts that would break if I struck out and blazed my own trail. My life is planned. There are a few choices I have... like where to go to grad school. The worst part about it is that I built my own cage and now I'm locked in it. My parents didn't put me here (though my dad has a cage waiting for me in case I bust out of my own and he can catch me with his), my relatives, school, and friends... none of them put me here. I hand-made this cage of formerly blinding passion, neurosis, and unachievable standards. I waltzed into it with a smile on my face and a laugh on my tongue. After it latched behind me, I took the one key to it and chucked it through the bars thinking I would be happy in my cage forever. Now I'm sitting in my cage, I'm alone and starving.
These thoughts reek of discontentment, lust for an impossible life, and bitterness toward myself for feeling this way. THIS IS MY MOST UPSETTING STRUGGLE. My faith rests so much on contentment. Should I wear a mask and look like everything is exactly how I'd like it to be? "But then," you maybe thinking, "is it not true that you believe that someone must endure struggles to grow? That God knows what He's doing and knows exactly who you are to become?" Yes. These are truths of what I believe. Great is His faithfulness to me everyday. This is not a cry of "my life is so unfair". I am taken aback by the incredible blessings I've received every day for 20 years, 1 month, and 2 weeks. What I'm saying is... I wish I hadn't have locked myself in this cage. God didn't do this to me, I did.
I can blame this house and town until I'm blue in the face, but even if I did up and leave to go somewhere else, I would still be there and that's where the problem lies.
I'll never be a writer like Jesse.
I'll never be an artist like my mother.
I can't make music like A Minor Bird.
I'll never be able to review music and extract its depth like Nick.
What I will be is a nobody with a withering spirit and shoulders full of shame.
These words are the product of reflection. I said that this is 100% me, but I am also 100% the opposite of this. It has been like standing on the outside of a house, looking in through a window at the thoughts and desires of another person. The problem is, I don't know which me is the one on the inside and which is the one on the outside... or which one I prefer to be, for that matter. If you know me, you know that I am not self-centered, defensive, or shaken. Clearly I am all of those things.
There are two questions that have repeated in my mind since the catalyst that started my thinking... What am I doing? and What's the point? When I try to answer the questions, my heart begins to ache. I thought I knew the answers to these questions, but now I have no idea.
I am struggling. I'm struggling with a heart full of shattered dreams and broken aspirations. I am stifled. I'm stuck where I am and there doesn't seem to be a way of escape anywhere I look. I want adventure... There is nothing more that my soul craves right now than adventure. And art. And love. But art and love are adventures in themselves!
I WANT A LIFE OF CREATIVITY. To paraphrase something a friend told me once, if I don't do something creative RIGHT NOW, I'm going to go crazy. I need to put myself out there in some form. I need pieces of me to come out instead of being stuck in this skin with no one to listen but heart. My heart has had enough. My heart is exhausted and needs someone else to listen. I can't get out my creativity where I am. This dead end town and house full of discord is suffocating my spirit. Any type of creating I could think to do, I can't do here. I want to WRITE! I want to PAINT! I want to play MUSIC as LOUD as it can GO! But that won't happen here. I am stuck.
I need to go somewhere. Anywhere. I need to be a dandelion seed that floats on the wind until I find a new place to grow. I want to jump out of this skin and run as far and as fast as I can. I don't care where, just SOMEWHERE. Somewhere that has new experiences waiting, no strings attached. Somewhere where I can get over my stupid insecurities and just BE. This somewhere is anywhere else but here.
Realistically let's look at this. I am nobody. I'm never going to be that bohemian girl at the indie festival who seems to know everyone and knows exactly who she is. I won't be that girl at the coffee shop living her extravagant and awesome life as the curator of an art gallery. I won't be anyone but a nobody with the soul of an artist. I couldn't afford to live the life that I'd want, anyway. I would make friends with lots of hobos if I pursued my dreams.
Not to mention the hearts that would break if I struck out and blazed my own trail. My life is planned. There are a few choices I have... like where to go to grad school. The worst part about it is that I built my own cage and now I'm locked in it. My parents didn't put me here (though my dad has a cage waiting for me in case I bust out of my own and he can catch me with his), my relatives, school, and friends... none of them put me here. I hand-made this cage of formerly blinding passion, neurosis, and unachievable standards. I waltzed into it with a smile on my face and a laugh on my tongue. After it latched behind me, I took the one key to it and chucked it through the bars thinking I would be happy in my cage forever. Now I'm sitting in my cage, I'm alone and starving.
These thoughts reek of discontentment, lust for an impossible life, and bitterness toward myself for feeling this way. THIS IS MY MOST UPSETTING STRUGGLE. My faith rests so much on contentment. Should I wear a mask and look like everything is exactly how I'd like it to be? "But then," you maybe thinking, "is it not true that you believe that someone must endure struggles to grow? That God knows what He's doing and knows exactly who you are to become?" Yes. These are truths of what I believe. Great is His faithfulness to me everyday. This is not a cry of "my life is so unfair". I am taken aback by the incredible blessings I've received every day for 20 years, 1 month, and 2 weeks. What I'm saying is... I wish I hadn't have locked myself in this cage. God didn't do this to me, I did.
I can blame this house and town until I'm blue in the face, but even if I did up and leave to go somewhere else, I would still be there and that's where the problem lies.
I'll never be a writer like Jesse.
I'll never be an artist like my mother.
I can't make music like A Minor Bird.
I'll never be able to review music and extract its depth like Nick.
What I will be is a nobody with a withering spirit and shoulders full of shame.
These words are the product of reflection. I said that this is 100% me, but I am also 100% the opposite of this. It has been like standing on the outside of a house, looking in through a window at the thoughts and desires of another person. The problem is, I don't know which me is the one on the inside and which is the one on the outside... or which one I prefer to be, for that matter. If you know me, you know that I am not self-centered, defensive, or shaken. Clearly I am all of those things.
There are two questions that have repeated in my mind since the catalyst that started my thinking... What am I doing? and What's the point? When I try to answer the questions, my heart begins to ache. I thought I knew the answers to these questions, but now I have no idea.
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