Mein Kampf

I should clarify... I'm not referring to the book Mein Kampf in this post because I've never read that, though it's on my life long reading list, but what I AM referring to is my current struggle in life, which is that I don't fit the traditional standard of beauty and that makes me feel so left out sometimes. I KNOW that at least one person reading this relates to the feelings that I'm talking about, but I can only speak for myself here.

Sometimes I put myself in situations where I know I'll feel inferior but I've become almost accustomed to it by now. I've acquired an ability to somehow temporarily overlook the fact that all the people around me are beautiful when I'm hanging out with my friends, but then I get back to my dorm and it's like, "Crap man, that sucked." It's not that I don't have fun, it just that when I think about all the people I was with I feel like I probably shouldn't have been there because I would have ruined the photo op. I love my friends. I love them more than I know how to express. I know that they don't even realize that I feel this way because I'm great at paining on a smile. (Actually I find that recently I've been getting worse and worse with hiding my feelings on the subject...) It's really hard, though, when you hang out in a small group and the only attention you get from guys is every once in a while when someone needs to know who this actor is or what band wrote that song. First of all, I want to clarify that I don't want constant attention, but having your existance acknowledged is nice; second, I exaggerated that example a little bit to make my point. I'm not after anyone and I'm not a flirt, but it just shows that you have to be beautiful to get attention.

A lot of times I feel like I don't even exist when some of my friends are around. That's a terrible feeling and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I really struggle to love myself and it's even harder when I feel like I can't compare in any way other than the fact that I'm a flipping huge nerd and have really weird interests that guys can relate to. It goes back to the whole "friend zone" phenomenon but this is way worse. I really feel like a lot of the guys in my life won't even have me as a friend because I'm not that attractive. I'm probably sounding like a bitter man-hater, but I promise you I'm not. I wish you could see the way it all goes down, then you'd understand. Seth Grubaugh and Aaron Shields have been two of my very best friends for the past six years of my life, but let me tell you that in general, guys here at school are not like them. They don't take the time to get to know you if you aren't pretty enough. They don't pursue a friendship if you're less than gorgeous and that sucks real bad.

I don't know why this has been bugging me so much lately but it really has been. I didn't write this for pity purposes or to have responses like, "oh noooo, you're sooooo pretty..." or any of that bull crap, I just needed to get it off my chest. Believe me, I could keep going, but I won't.


"Unpretty" by TLC