In the past two days, I've aged a lifetime... or at least, I've thought enough to fill a philosopher's head for a lifetime. That being said, I have a lot of things I need to get out there. This is going to be 100% me. No pretenses. No mask. It'll probably seem sort of stream-of consciousness, but I'm going to do my best to stay centered around a theme.
I am struggling. I'm struggling with a heart full of shattered dreams and broken aspirations. I am stifled. I'm stuck where I am and there doesn't seem to be a way of escape anywhere I look. I want adventure... There is nothing more that my soul craves right now than adventure. And art. And love. But art and love are adventures in themselves!
I WANT A LIFE OF CREATIVITY. To paraphrase something a friend told me once, if I don't do something creative RIGHT NOW, I'm going to go crazy. I need to put myself out there in some form. I need pieces of me to come out instead of being stuck in this skin with no one to listen but heart. My heart has had enough. My heart is exhausted and needs someone else to listen. I can't get out my creativity where I am. This dead end town and house full of discord is suffocating my spirit. Any type of creating I could think to do, I can't do here. I want to WRITE! I want to PAINT! I want to play MUSIC as LOUD as it can GO! But that won't happen here. I am stuck.
I need to go somewhere. Anywhere. I need to be a dandelion seed that floats on the wind until I find a new place to grow. I want to jump out of this skin and run as far and as fast as I can. I don't care where, just SOMEWHERE. Somewhere that has new experiences waiting, no strings attached. Somewhere where I can get over my stupid insecurities and just BE. This somewhere is anywhere else but here.
Realistically let's look at this. I am nobody. I'm never going to be that bohemian girl at the indie festival who seems to know everyone and knows exactly who she is. I won't be that girl at the coffee shop living her extravagant and awesome life as the curator of an art gallery. I won't be anyone but a nobody with the soul of an artist. I couldn't afford to live the life that I'd want, anyway. I would make friends with lots of hobos if I pursued my dreams.
Not to mention the hearts that would break if I struck out and blazed my own trail. My life is planned. There are a few choices I have... like where to go to grad school. The worst part about it is that I built my own cage and now I'm locked in it. My parents didn't put me here (though my dad has a cage waiting for me in case I bust out of my own and he can catch me with his), my relatives, school, and friends... none of them put me here. I hand-made this cage of formerly blinding passion, neurosis, and unachievable standards. I waltzed into it with a smile on my face and a laugh on my tongue. After it latched behind me, I took the one key to it and chucked it through the bars thinking I would be happy in my cage forever. Now I'm sitting in my cage, I'm alone and starving.
These thoughts reek of discontentment, lust for an impossible life, and bitterness toward myself for feeling this way. THIS IS MY MOST UPSETTING STRUGGLE. My faith rests so much on contentment. Should I wear a mask and look like everything is exactly how I'd like it to be? "But then," you maybe thinking, "is it not true that you believe that someone must endure struggles to grow? That God knows what He's doing and knows exactly who you are to become?" Yes. These are truths of what I believe. Great is His faithfulness to me everyday. This is not a cry of "my life is so unfair". I am taken aback by the incredible blessings I've received every day for 20 years, 1 month, and 2 weeks. What I'm saying is... I wish I hadn't have locked myself in this cage. God didn't do this to me, I did.
I can blame this house and town until I'm blue in the face, but even if I did up and leave to go somewhere else, I would still be there and that's where the problem lies.
I'll never be a writer like Jesse.
I'll never be an artist like my mother.
I can't make music like A Minor Bird.
I'll never be able to review music and extract its depth like Nick.
What I will be is a nobody with a withering spirit and shoulders full of shame.
These words are the product of reflection. I said that this is 100% me, but I am also 100% the opposite of this. It has been like standing on the outside of a house, looking in through a window at the thoughts and desires of another person. The problem is, I don't know which me is the one on the inside and which is the one on the outside... or which one I prefer to be, for that matter. If you know me, you know that I am not self-centered, defensive, or shaken. Clearly I am all of those things.
There are two questions that have repeated in my mind since the catalyst that started my thinking... What am I doing? and What's the point? When I try to answer the questions, my heart begins to ache. I thought I knew the answers to these questions, but now I have no idea.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Boom Goes the Dynamite
http://dismrepair08.wordpress.com/2010/03/25/more-disgruntled-thoughts-regarding-dating/
Read that.
Really, follow that link.
If you've ever thought about dating, especially in our culture where at my ripe old age of 19 I'm a weirdie for not having or even wanting a boyfriend, read that.
If you're in a relationship and want to know how those of us who are unattached feel all the time, read it.
My friend Jesse really hits the nail on the head here. Unbelievably.
Note: it isn't a woe is me kind of lamenting about singleness. It's a great perspective piece that I complete relate to.
READ IT!
Read that.
Really, follow that link.
If you've ever thought about dating, especially in our culture where at my ripe old age of 19 I'm a weirdie for not having or even wanting a boyfriend, read that.
If you're in a relationship and want to know how those of us who are unattached feel all the time, read it.
My friend Jesse really hits the nail on the head here. Unbelievably.
Note: it isn't a woe is me kind of lamenting about singleness. It's a great perspective piece that I complete relate to.
READ IT!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Transitions
Honestly, how often do you feel like you're genuinely at a good place, or "platform" in your life? I'll just make it clear that I don't feel that way very often. The majority of the time I feel like I'm in a weird transition phase, facing changes and going wherever God takes me... in my perceived experience, God has taken me to yet another transition. I've felt doomed to live a transition to transition lifestyle with nary a solid place to stand.
It's funny because this shows how limited my human understanding of God is. Yes, there are changes that everyone has to deal with, but unlike how my brain has previously perceived it, I am NOT always in a wispy, uncertain, faceless kind of transition.
Christ is my solid ground. Christ holds me fast. And even with those "Christian-ese" phrases that I try not to use too often when addressing a mixed audience, I just can't proceed without saying that Jesus is my Strength and Solid Ground.
I suppose the event that brought this on was that yesterday the president of my university "retired" effective immediately. This happened right after I finally felt like I was actually in a good, solid place with some time to breathe. In my mind, one of the implications of him leaving in the fashion that it happened was that my place of rest was stolen way from under me and that yet again I was thrown into transition and upheaval. However, when I was reflecting back on it, I realized that my perception has been off all along.
Like when James talks about trials, right? James 2:12 says "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God had promised to those who love Him." Trials are a part of life; they are a part of the path we all have to go down. Like trials aren't a completely separate entity from life, transitions aren't a completely separate entity from a solid platform that we stand upon. (Haha, I'll put a diagram at the end to help me explain.)
All I'm saying is, transitions are bumps in the road, not separate from the road. We are equipped to handle said bumps and if we handle them with faith and perseverance, seeking God with every bit of who we are, we will receive the crown of life, yo.
Woot for transition!
Woot for trial!
Woot for Christ as our solid ground through it all!
It's funny because this shows how limited my human understanding of God is. Yes, there are changes that everyone has to deal with, but unlike how my brain has previously perceived it, I am NOT always in a wispy, uncertain, faceless kind of transition.
Christ is my solid ground. Christ holds me fast. And even with those "Christian-ese" phrases that I try not to use too often when addressing a mixed audience, I just can't proceed without saying that Jesus is my Strength and Solid Ground.
I suppose the event that brought this on was that yesterday the president of my university "retired" effective immediately. This happened right after I finally felt like I was actually in a good, solid place with some time to breathe. In my mind, one of the implications of him leaving in the fashion that it happened was that my place of rest was stolen way from under me and that yet again I was thrown into transition and upheaval. However, when I was reflecting back on it, I realized that my perception has been off all along.
Like when James talks about trials, right? James 2:12 says "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God had promised to those who love Him." Trials are a part of life; they are a part of the path we all have to go down. Like trials aren't a completely separate entity from life, transitions aren't a completely separate entity from a solid platform that we stand upon. (Haha, I'll put a diagram at the end to help me explain.)
All I'm saying is, transitions are bumps in the road, not separate from the road. We are equipped to handle said bumps and if we handle them with faith and perseverance, seeking God with every bit of who we are, we will receive the crown of life, yo.
Woot for transition!
Woot for trial!
Woot for Christ as our solid ground through it all!
Friday, February 12, 2010
The Letter "X"
Today I was thinking about how weird the letter "X" is. Not only is it kind of a pointless letter in the alphabet (Question: what sound does "x" make that other letters can't? Answer: NONE), but there are so many things that are represented by these two crossing diagonal lines.
Let's explore a few things it symbolizes:
- Treasure.
- The number 10.
- Social reform.
- A type of hallucinogen.
- An unknown variable.
- Christ.
And there are lots more! All I'm saying is it's interesting to me that one written character can have so many meanings. It's like people's actions, and furthermore, our REactions... there's almost always a better one to use, and each one can be interpreted in a lot of different ways. This has led me to believe that everyone, myself DEFINITELY included, should be more aware of how we react to things and and how we present ourselves. We never know how others will perceive what we do and say. People can end up seriously hurt, confused, or put off if the "X" we intended as Christ was translated in another's mind as an unknown variable.
I guess what I'm getting at is the need to be intentional about our actions and even our thoughts. Thoughts are the breeding ground for actions. We should put ourselves in the best habits to live the most exemplary lives we know to live.
Let our "X's" always show exactly what they mean.
Let's explore a few things it symbolizes:
- Treasure.
- The number 10.
- Social reform.
- A type of hallucinogen.
- An unknown variable.
- Christ.
And there are lots more! All I'm saying is it's interesting to me that one written character can have so many meanings. It's like people's actions, and furthermore, our REactions... there's almost always a better one to use, and each one can be interpreted in a lot of different ways. This has led me to believe that everyone, myself DEFINITELY included, should be more aware of how we react to things and and how we present ourselves. We never know how others will perceive what we do and say. People can end up seriously hurt, confused, or put off if the "X" we intended as Christ was translated in another's mind as an unknown variable.
I guess what I'm getting at is the need to be intentional about our actions and even our thoughts. Thoughts are the breeding ground for actions. We should put ourselves in the best habits to live the most exemplary lives we know to live.
Let our "X's" always show exactly what they mean.
Monday, February 8, 2010
The Ultimate Bucket List of Ultimate Destiny
Well, since all the cool kids are posting their bucket lists to their blogs, here's the first 80 things from mine. haha i'm ambitious. oh, plus i decided to make some of my list interactive! :)
1. Try every flavor of Campbell’s soup.
2. Learn sign language.
3. Skydive.
4. Fill a small pool full of cornstarch and water & run across it.
5. Learn to be a great cook.
6. Kiss the blarney stone.
7. Travel by gondola.
8. Sail off the coast of Greece.
9. Zip line.
10. Make a scrapbook.
11. Learn to play the drums.
12. Do something drastic with my hair.
13. Adopt at least one child.
14. See Celine Dion in concert.
15. Pay for a family’s meal at a restaurant.
16. Go for a midnight walk in the snow with someone I love.
17. Dance in the rain.
18. Ride an elephant.
19. Eat Mexican food in Texas.
20. Visit every state in the US.
21. Visit the Henrikssons in Sweden.
22. Own a Macbook
23. Drive a turquoise and off-white ’57 Chevy Bel-Air
24. See the world’s largest ball of yarn.
25. Visit the Flea Market Montgomery.
25.1 Price check the dinette sets and possibly buy one.
26. Do something “impossible”.
27. Get something waxed.
28. Use Crest White Strips
29. Teach someone something.
30. Watch a meteor shower.
31. Submit a piece of original art in a contest or display.
32. Attend any Olympic games.
33. England, England, England… whatever that means. Visit, reside, something.
34. Shake the hands of David Tennant, Noel Fielding, Julian Barret, Milo Ventimiglia, Gary Oldman, Brian Williams, Kirk Cameron, and Will Smith.
35. Get a professional make-over.
36. See the Mighty Boosh live performance.
37. Go backpacking.
38. If, and only if married, do the deed in an airplane.
39. If, and only if married, do the deed in a state or national park.
40. Get mom her own private Zambelli fireworks display.
41. Go to Israel.
42. Send the Henrys to Israel.
43. Find out how to correctly use the word “defacto” in a sentence.
44. MEET MICK JONES. (This is him today... still the most amazing man of my life.)
45. Do a psychological analysis of Kurt Cobain.
46. Buy Steve Berkenkemper’s “A Phonic Fiesta” from iTunes.
47. Donate plasma.
48. Donate platelets.
49. Stand up in the middle of a crowded place (subway or something) and try to start a sing-a-long.
50. Panhandle using my flute.
51. Tailgate at an NFL game.
52. Attend The Father’s House Chili campus.
53. Eat a Philly cheese steak in Philadelphia.
54. Eat at the original Skyline in Cincinnati.
55. Donate my hair to Locks of Love or similar association.
56. Watch every John Hughes movie in marathon style.
57. Take a mud bath.
58. Wrestle in a pool of mud, pudding, or jello.
59. Be an extra in a movie.
60. Spelunk.
61. Attend a Star Trek convention.
62. Go to Comic Con, CES, E3, BlizzCon, or something of the sort.
63. Buy season tickets to the Cavs.
64. Wear red lipstick with smoky eye makeup.
65. Read My Name is Asher Lev.
66. Tap some maples and make my own syrup.
67. Make a giant monetary contribution to Heartland.
68. Eat at a hibachi restaurant.
69. Have one of those magical summers.
70. Learn all the words to “The Trapeze Swinger”.
71. Go to Owatonna, Minnesota and find Adam Young.
72. Live in a tiny town like Stars Hollow.
73. Get a dog and name him Boxer.
74. Work in a little vintage store or boutique.
75. Dread my hair.
76. See A Minor Bird rise to fame.
77. Attend either The Lion King, Spamalot, or Wicked on Broadway.
78. Visit James Dean’s grave.
79. Go upstairs in Graceland.
80. Find a movie that makes me sob every time I watch it.
Here's the video that inspired the title of my bucket list! "The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny"
1. Try every flavor of Campbell’s soup.
2. Learn sign language.
3. Skydive.
4. Fill a small pool full of cornstarch and water & run across it.
5. Learn to be a great cook.
6. Kiss the blarney stone.
7. Travel by gondola.
8. Sail off the coast of Greece.
9. Zip line.
10. Make a scrapbook.
11. Learn to play the drums.
12. Do something drastic with my hair.
13. Adopt at least one child.
14. See Celine Dion in concert.
15. Pay for a family’s meal at a restaurant.
16. Go for a midnight walk in the snow with someone I love.
17. Dance in the rain.
18. Ride an elephant.
19. Eat Mexican food in Texas.
20. Visit every state in the US.
21. Visit the Henrikssons in Sweden.
22. Own a Macbook
23. Drive a turquoise and off-white ’57 Chevy Bel-Air
24. See the world’s largest ball of yarn.
25. Visit the Flea Market Montgomery.
25.1 Price check the dinette sets and possibly buy one.
26. Do something “impossible”.
27. Get something waxed.
28. Use Crest White Strips
29. Teach someone something.
30. Watch a meteor shower.
31. Submit a piece of original art in a contest or display.
32. Attend any Olympic games.
33. England, England, England… whatever that means. Visit, reside, something.
34. Shake the hands of David Tennant, Noel Fielding, Julian Barret, Milo Ventimiglia, Gary Oldman, Brian Williams, Kirk Cameron, and Will Smith.
35. Get a professional make-over.
36. See the Mighty Boosh live performance.
37. Go backpacking.
38. If, and only if married, do the deed in an airplane.
39. If, and only if married, do the deed in a state or national park.
40. Get mom her own private Zambelli fireworks display.
41. Go to Israel.
42. Send the Henrys to Israel.
43. Find out how to correctly use the word “defacto” in a sentence.
44. MEET MICK JONES. (This is him today... still the most amazing man of my life.)
45. Do a psychological analysis of Kurt Cobain.
46. Buy Steve Berkenkemper’s “A Phonic Fiesta” from iTunes.
47. Donate plasma.
48. Donate platelets.
49. Stand up in the middle of a crowded place (subway or something) and try to start a sing-a-long.
50. Panhandle using my flute.
51. Tailgate at an NFL game.
52. Attend The Father’s House Chili campus.
53. Eat a Philly cheese steak in Philadelphia.
54. Eat at the original Skyline in Cincinnati.
55. Donate my hair to Locks of Love or similar association.
56. Watch every John Hughes movie in marathon style.
57. Take a mud bath.
58. Wrestle in a pool of mud, pudding, or jello.
59. Be an extra in a movie.
60. Spelunk.
61. Attend a Star Trek convention.
62. Go to Comic Con, CES, E3, BlizzCon, or something of the sort.
63. Buy season tickets to the Cavs.
64. Wear red lipstick with smoky eye makeup.
65. Read My Name is Asher Lev.
66. Tap some maples and make my own syrup.
67. Make a giant monetary contribution to Heartland.
68. Eat at a hibachi restaurant.
69. Have one of those magical summers.
70. Learn all the words to “The Trapeze Swinger”.
71. Go to Owatonna, Minnesota and find Adam Young.
72. Live in a tiny town like Stars Hollow.
73. Get a dog and name him Boxer.
74. Work in a little vintage store or boutique.
75. Dread my hair.
76. See A Minor Bird rise to fame.
77. Attend either The Lion King, Spamalot, or Wicked on Broadway.
78. Visit James Dean’s grave.
79. Go upstairs in Graceland.
80. Find a movie that makes me sob every time I watch it.
Here's the video that inspired the title of my bucket list! "The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny"
Saturday, January 30, 2010
[Something poignant and creative]
The Holy Spirit is big. Bigger than you, bigger than me, bigger than any situation we can find ourselves in. I am unbelievably thankful for that. I am nearly moved to tears when I think about the love that God pours out by the bucketful on us... partly I blame the full moon for the weepiness. Full moons mess with me. Maybe I'm a werewolf. That would be funny.
Here's the thing on my mind. I'm brokenhearted about the state of my campus... I know that we're not spiritually dead by any means, but I also know that we could be doing way better. As a friend stated a few days ago, Malone's bubble has been popped. There are people here who don't know Christ, who don't know the love that they deserve. My question is WHAT AM I DOING TO SHOW THEM?
I want to lead. I want to fan the flames of spiritual EAGERNESS among my fellow students. I long for my campus to long for the Lord. He won't relent until He has it all and I've resolved that I won't relent until He has it all either.
Here's the thing on my mind. I'm brokenhearted about the state of my campus... I know that we're not spiritually dead by any means, but I also know that we could be doing way better. As a friend stated a few days ago, Malone's bubble has been popped. There are people here who don't know Christ, who don't know the love that they deserve. My question is WHAT AM I DOING TO SHOW THEM?
I want to lead. I want to fan the flames of spiritual EAGERNESS among my fellow students. I long for my campus to long for the Lord. He won't relent until He has it all and I've resolved that I won't relent until He has it all either.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Marriage and Other Tomfoolery
This is a facebook note/blog reposting... lame, but this one is for my mom's sake... She reads my blog, but doesn't have a facebook. You don't have to read it twice unless you want to. =]
-----------------------------------
I sit here listening to my summer soundtrack on yet another lonely night, but tonight something is different. I don’t feel the sting of solitude, I’m not reduced to tears by the empty silence, and I finally possess a contented spirit in singleness. This night has been long awaited.
Maybe someday I’ll have someone to share my deepest, innermost thoughts with on an intimate level, but maybe not. I’m okay either way. For the first time in a very long time, I don’t feel like less because I don’t have someone. All of a sudden it cannot be clearer to me that God made me exactly how He wanted. I have a beautiful heart, I am precious, I HAVE SOMETHING TO OFFER, and my purpose is to use what God has given me in order to more effectively serve Him… with or without someone by my side. Marriage is not my PURPOSE in life and I’m not worse off if it never happens for me.
The apostle Paul often talks about marriage in his letters. To paraphrase, he says that if you can serve God better as a single person, do it. Even though it’s much more difficult to get a grasp on, if you can serve God more effectively as a couple with someone else, do it. I think Paul had a point there. He never married… The way I see it, marriage is a multifaceted experience. On one hand, it is what Paul said: an opportunity to serve, worship, and love God better because of this other person. On another hand, I believe it’s an expression of God’s love for us manifest in a physical way. A beautiful gift designed to let us be in communion with our spouse and with God in the most pure and intimate way. On another hand completely, marriage is a perpetuation, a contributor to life. I know that seems like such common sense but it was stated so plainly in a conversation with two of my dear friends a while ago… Once you get married, that one person is your FAMILY. Often, I think of a future family and picture a husband and a few children, but as soon as “You may now kiss the bride” is uttered, a family is created. Crazy, isn’t it? Of course you still have moms and dads, brothers and sisters, but things are altered irrevocably as soon as those finalizing words are spoken. Family is redefined.
Frankly, I would prefer to think that I’ll be married someday, but I won’t live by that dream. James Dean said, “Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die tomorrow.” I say, “Dream as if you’ll be married someday, live as if you never will be.” It’s time to refocus and put God at the core and center with no distractions. Building friendships with no hidden agendas or ulterior motives is going to be a driving factor. Weaving a web of Christian support to be there if that spouse never comes, or even if he does, will be of utmost importance.
As this contentedness sinks in further and I become more and more accustomed to feeling worthy of love, I pray that every one of my friends has this same assurance, single or not. Each of you is important and has something special to offer. This story God is writing, everyday life, would not be complete without YOU, that’s why you are here. You have a very important role here and whether that role is to be filled alone with a church of Christian brothers and sisters around you, or in a marriage (haha but also with a net of Christian support of course), is for you and God to talk about.
Plus think of this: if you are wholly satisfied, truly joyful, and complete with it being just you and Jesus, imagine the overflow of happiness and gratefulness you would feel if you were blessed to have a spouse someday! w00t.
No matter what, God's plan is always better even if it's difficult to see. :)
-----------------------------------
I sit here listening to my summer soundtrack on yet another lonely night, but tonight something is different. I don’t feel the sting of solitude, I’m not reduced to tears by the empty silence, and I finally possess a contented spirit in singleness. This night has been long awaited.
Maybe someday I’ll have someone to share my deepest, innermost thoughts with on an intimate level, but maybe not. I’m okay either way. For the first time in a very long time, I don’t feel like less because I don’t have someone. All of a sudden it cannot be clearer to me that God made me exactly how He wanted. I have a beautiful heart, I am precious, I HAVE SOMETHING TO OFFER, and my purpose is to use what God has given me in order to more effectively serve Him… with or without someone by my side. Marriage is not my PURPOSE in life and I’m not worse off if it never happens for me.
The apostle Paul often talks about marriage in his letters. To paraphrase, he says that if you can serve God better as a single person, do it. Even though it’s much more difficult to get a grasp on, if you can serve God more effectively as a couple with someone else, do it. I think Paul had a point there. He never married… The way I see it, marriage is a multifaceted experience. On one hand, it is what Paul said: an opportunity to serve, worship, and love God better because of this other person. On another hand, I believe it’s an expression of God’s love for us manifest in a physical way. A beautiful gift designed to let us be in communion with our spouse and with God in the most pure and intimate way. On another hand completely, marriage is a perpetuation, a contributor to life. I know that seems like such common sense but it was stated so plainly in a conversation with two of my dear friends a while ago… Once you get married, that one person is your FAMILY. Often, I think of a future family and picture a husband and a few children, but as soon as “You may now kiss the bride” is uttered, a family is created. Crazy, isn’t it? Of course you still have moms and dads, brothers and sisters, but things are altered irrevocably as soon as those finalizing words are spoken. Family is redefined.
Frankly, I would prefer to think that I’ll be married someday, but I won’t live by that dream. James Dean said, “Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die tomorrow.” I say, “Dream as if you’ll be married someday, live as if you never will be.” It’s time to refocus and put God at the core and center with no distractions. Building friendships with no hidden agendas or ulterior motives is going to be a driving factor. Weaving a web of Christian support to be there if that spouse never comes, or even if he does, will be of utmost importance.
As this contentedness sinks in further and I become more and more accustomed to feeling worthy of love, I pray that every one of my friends has this same assurance, single or not. Each of you is important and has something special to offer. This story God is writing, everyday life, would not be complete without YOU, that’s why you are here. You have a very important role here and whether that role is to be filled alone with a church of Christian brothers and sisters around you, or in a marriage (haha but also with a net of Christian support of course), is for you and God to talk about.
Plus think of this: if you are wholly satisfied, truly joyful, and complete with it being just you and Jesus, imagine the overflow of happiness and gratefulness you would feel if you were blessed to have a spouse someday! w00t.
No matter what, God's plan is always better even if it's difficult to see. :)
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