In the past two days, I've aged a lifetime... or at least, I've thought enough to fill a philosopher's head for a lifetime. That being said, I have a lot of things I need to get out there. This is going to be 100% me. No pretenses. No mask. It'll probably seem sort of stream-of consciousness, but I'm going to do my best to stay centered around a theme.
I am struggling. I'm struggling with a heart full of shattered dreams and broken aspirations. I am stifled. I'm stuck where I am and there doesn't seem to be a way of escape anywhere I look. I want adventure... There is nothing more that my soul craves right now than adventure. And art. And love. But art and love are adventures in themselves!
I WANT A LIFE OF CREATIVITY. To paraphrase something a friend told me once, if I don't do something creative RIGHT NOW, I'm going to go crazy. I need to put myself out there in some form. I need pieces of me to come out instead of being stuck in this skin with no one to listen but heart. My heart has had enough. My heart is exhausted and needs someone else to listen. I can't get out my creativity where I am. This dead end town and house full of discord is suffocating my spirit. Any type of creating I could think to do, I can't do here. I want to WRITE! I want to PAINT! I want to play MUSIC as LOUD as it can GO! But that won't happen here. I am stuck.
I need to go somewhere. Anywhere. I need to be a dandelion seed that floats on the wind until I find a new place to grow. I want to jump out of this skin and run as far and as fast as I can. I don't care where, just SOMEWHERE. Somewhere that has new experiences waiting, no strings attached. Somewhere where I can get over my stupid insecurities and just BE. This somewhere is anywhere else but here.
Realistically let's look at this. I am nobody. I'm never going to be that bohemian girl at the indie festival who seems to know everyone and knows exactly who she is. I won't be that girl at the coffee shop living her extravagant and awesome life as the curator of an art gallery. I won't be anyone but a nobody with the soul of an artist. I couldn't afford to live the life that I'd want, anyway. I would make friends with lots of hobos if I pursued my dreams.
Not to mention the hearts that would break if I struck out and blazed my own trail. My life is planned. There are a few choices I have... like where to go to grad school. The worst part about it is that I built my own cage and now I'm locked in it. My parents didn't put me here (though my dad has a cage waiting for me in case I bust out of my own and he can catch me with his), my relatives, school, and friends... none of them put me here. I hand-made this cage of formerly blinding passion, neurosis, and unachievable standards. I waltzed into it with a smile on my face and a laugh on my tongue. After it latched behind me, I took the one key to it and chucked it through the bars thinking I would be happy in my cage forever. Now I'm sitting in my cage, I'm alone and starving.
These thoughts reek of discontentment, lust for an impossible life, and bitterness toward myself for feeling this way. THIS IS MY MOST UPSETTING STRUGGLE. My faith rests so much on contentment. Should I wear a mask and look like everything is exactly how I'd like it to be? "But then," you maybe thinking, "is it not true that you believe that someone must endure struggles to grow? That God knows what He's doing and knows exactly who you are to become?" Yes. These are truths of what I believe. Great is His faithfulness to me everyday. This is not a cry of "my life is so unfair". I am taken aback by the incredible blessings I've received every day for 20 years, 1 month, and 2 weeks. What I'm saying is... I wish I hadn't have locked myself in this cage. God didn't do this to me, I did.
I can blame this house and town until I'm blue in the face, but even if I did up and leave to go somewhere else, I would still be there and that's where the problem lies.
I'll never be a writer like Jesse.
I'll never be an artist like my mother.
I can't make music like A Minor Bird.
I'll never be able to review music and extract its depth like Nick.
What I will be is a nobody with a withering spirit and shoulders full of shame.
These words are the product of reflection. I said that this is 100% me, but I am also 100% the opposite of this. It has been like standing on the outside of a house, looking in through a window at the thoughts and desires of another person. The problem is, I don't know which me is the one on the inside and which is the one on the outside... or which one I prefer to be, for that matter. If you know me, you know that I am not self-centered, defensive, or shaken. Clearly I am all of those things.
There are two questions that have repeated in my mind since the catalyst that started my thinking... What am I doing? and What's the point? When I try to answer the questions, my heart begins to ache. I thought I knew the answers to these questions, but now I have no idea.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
see i told you i'd subscribe!
ReplyDeletebut yeah, i just read all of it and i gotta say...
you say you'll never be an artist, but you are one! Angela, i'm an english major, and all i do day in and day out is review literature, and this (which i think went through very little editing, no?) is beautiful writing. and i mean that. it comes right from the soul and you make me feel everything you are. you say you're nobody, i say POET! or a writer at least x]
but yeah, you're right, no matter where you go, you'll be in the same situation, so suck it up and change your life right where you are. start transforming your thoughts into art and tell whoever you can. you'll see, it might be able to fill this void in your life...
haha yes, you did say you'd subscribe! :D
ReplyDeletewow. i greatly appreciate your compliment. that was one of the nicest things anyone has directed toward me in a while... that definitely brought a smile to my face. thank you so much.
i talked to my mom today and told her everything i've been feeling. (she's a wonderful, beautiful woman.) she gave me more perspective like you did, and my spirits are lifting. i have a new resolve to create my own adventure even in my tiny town... find something here that inspires me and, like you said, transform my thoughts into art!
at the expense of sounding like a total gush, i'm really thankful that we met, Travis.
ah don't mention it, i'm just glad you're starting to feel better about this whole situation... and don't worry, when the time is right, you'll get to see new places x]
ReplyDeleteand i'm glad we met too, Angela! i'll be posting my bucket list soon =D
A mask is the worst thing ever!
ReplyDeleteOkay this is going to sound weird, but at Malone I felt like I was wearing a mask! No joke! In my four years of previous college, I felt like I had learned a great deal about myself through experiences and knew exactly who I was. Then I went to Malone and it was suffocating. I couldn't be myself for anything, lest 60 people who didn't know me would jump down my throat and judge me. And it wasn't the rules and the restrictions that bothered me; it was the cage I felt trapped in, where I couldn't grow or be my creative self. I had no outlet.
One thing I learned, Angela, is that sometimes you've just got to be yourself! Every semester I try to have a "fun class", whether it counts for my major or not. I took Art Fundamentals at Malone and I was terrible at it. But when I came away, my art was improving by leaps and bounds. So drawing apples for half a semester turned out to be good for me, even though it was a little irritating. Find your outlet; don't bind yourself up to a schedule. If you made the cage, certainly you can break free! That's my little sermon for today. And now... *steps off soapbox*
Hey, I read this about a month and a half ago and I had a comment written out, but I had to turn off the computer and didn't get to post it. As weird as it may sound, it's a true story.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah...if you're still feeling like this, or even if you're not, I just wanted to say that I can relate to this and sympathize with a lot of what you say. You're not alone.