have you ever wished...

that you were a hippie? i have. i wish that right now, actually. mostly because of the mental images i get when i hear this song.

november 29th

my heart is crying out for You, oh, God.
let me be more pleasing to You.
let me be more like You.
Lord, shine through me and use me.
take my life and make it YOURS.

i'm under His blanket

God's timing is perfect. It is perfect and it is unknown to us. Why the heck do we (and when I say "we" I really mean "I", but I'm hoping others relate to this) allow ourselves to become obsessed with knowing the whens, wheres, and hows of God's plans for us? I think for me it's a manifestation of how organized I try to be... If I don't know what God's plans are, how can I be sure that I'm in the right place at the right time to be sure they happen as they're supposed to? Ha, what a completely absurd thought. God works whether I'm in the "right place" or not.

I guess I've been thinking about effectiveness in the Kingdom lately, as well. I know that God will work through any situation, but which situation will He be able to work BEST in? How can I prepare myself to be ready 100% for God to use me? Most importantly, WHY AM I STRUGGLING WITH THIS?! It's definitely not my place to seek control. You know what IS my job? Striving after God. Dedicating my whole heart to Him, unabashedly. Holding nothing back from Him. Losing myself in His presence. Praying ceaselessly for the Holy Spirit to fill me.

I allow myself to be distracted from this far too much. BUT! My heart is burning again. He is set in my sight and I'm not looking away. Not this time.


Current inspiration:
Last verse of "Under the Blanket" by Trevor Hall

Drop to my knees and start to pray for love that fills the seas.
Awake inside my heart, awaken all Your burning fire.
Purify me til I see Your beautiful empire.
Wash me in and wash me out until my wings are clean
so I can fly up to the moon and watch the world breathe.
Please reveal Your love in everything I do and see.
I bow again and again to your Highness that I need.

Words

I long for wisdom and the ability to express my thoughts fully. Sometimes I'm at a loss for insight and I feel like less of an encouragement because I don't know the right thing to say. I suppose sometimes the key is not saying anything and just listening. But what about when there SHOULD be a response? Hm, I'm praying about that one.

Words are important. Why is that something that so many people ignore? Speaking words of life, love, and encouragement into someone can make all the difference. Speaking words that tear down and hurt are a cancer to the soul. They slowly affect everything in a person, killing them little by little. James 3: 5-6 says,

"Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."

It seems that no one accounts for this anymore. I don't either. Something to work on.

Apart from being able to hinder people, words can be the single most effective way of building up the body, as well. Ephesians 4:29 reads, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." And it WILL benefit.

I have made some amazing new friends this year, let's call two of them "Sam" and "George". Sam has this way about him that just being in his presence is uplifting. He doesn't have to say a thing, but still there is a peace that comes with sitting in the same room as him. The Holy Spirit shines through him in awesome ways. He, unlike me, frequently has the most wise advice and the most tuned in listening ear. I can't sing enough praises about him... or rather, his consistent willingness to let God work through him.

Getting to know George has been sort of atypical, to say the least. It all started when Sam told me that George and I would be perfect friends because we are the "same person". Even though it sounds weird, I was really nervous to integrate friend groups because it's a lot of pressure trying to get to know (and sure, maybe even impress a little bit)someone who is supposedly you in opposite gender form. After we'd hung out in large groups together, we began chatting on facebook every now and then. Wow, he is one of the most interesting people I've had the opportunity of getting to know. His heart is amazing and, like Sam, has an incredible willingness to let God use him.

I greatly appreciate his openness and honesty with me. [Sidebar: George is very easy to open up to. Though I don't know him TOO too well, I have shared some struggles with him... I never do that with anyone but Bloggy, here.] I could use more people like him in my life. People that tell me "shut up and listen to Him". Those words, while blunt, have ultimately served to push me forward and have made me desire to seek wisdom straight from the Word.

I am so grateful for these new friends and I hope that we can continue diving into deeper relationship that will be mutually beneficial and consistently glorifying to God. I think these means trying to have good conversation somewhere other than on a computer screen?

Fritz Perls Part II

Lots of homework. Stressed. Great conversation last night... challenging, encouraging, convicting. He's too dang good. I'm not good enough. HE is too dang awesome. No one is good enough. But we are because He says we are. Beautiful.

Fritz Perls Style

Lately I'm alone even when there are people around. Quoted Bonhoeffer at lunch... felt pretentious. Apparently my face is never without a scowl. When did that happen? Can't I make decisions without there being 100 implications? Maybe I just never thought about gauging my ears before Beth asked if I wanted to. No, this was not to fit in better. Fit in with who? Clearly I fit with no one because I'm left out 80% of the time. Hurt. Downpour soaked me but I didn't hate it. I love rain. Quiet would be nice. Too many feelings. Emo. I hate emo kids. I AM an emo kid right now. Disgusting.

Honesty? I don't know what that is right now. I don't know how to say no. Choking on my own inner tension. Angry and annoyed. Violence has never been my thing, but I could use a physical outlet of some sort right now. God. Where does God fit in to this? Where do I fit into Him? Lies. Twice today already. Freaking great. Failure.

is this real life?

i feel like i'm too plugged in. i know it's lame and i opted into all of it, but i feel like all of the social networking sites i'm part of allow me to become anyone i wish to be. i can have one personality on facebook, a different (more emo screamo) personality on here, yet another one (more nerdy/goofy)on twitter, and still others on tumblr and last.fm.

i think it's interesting how different sides of angela manifest in different outlets. i'll bet money that it's because i know who sees each of these websites. i carefully monitor how i'm portraying myself based on who will see it. i'm no better than the average mask-wearing weenie.

i suppose the combination of all of those things is me... or maybe it's still not. hm, i'm on the verge of an existential crisis. oh well, i'll deal with it another day.

Come Out of the Cave Walking on Your Hands

I have a Greek test tomorrow that I am semi-unprepared for. I dislike that feeling. I am not woefully unprepared. I like that feeling.

I greatly enjoy my biweekly lunches with Jesse... and I'm not just saying that because I think he actually reads my blog. I'm just saying it because it's on my mind.

Sometimes I wish I could take on the life a totally different person for one day. Maybe someday I'll wear a disguise and act very unlike myself. Probably not.

I don't think I'm going to reapply to be an RA next year. We'll see.

It would be wonderful to have a three day period with no responsibilities and no people around so I could just rest and be productive.

I am too nostalgic for my own good a lot of the time. I'm also too much of a hopeless romantic for my own good. I usually pretend that love sickens me and I make sarcastic disgusted comments about couples.

The clock in my dorm room ticks very loudly.

Some days I think I'm too boring for anyone to find interesting. Some days I think I'm too weird for anyone to relate to. I have no idea how people perceive me.

How He Loves Us

Why can't I be more pumped about God?
Why has apathy swallowed my motivation?
Why is it that when I hear worship music or truly wise words, I get romanticized ideas of action and service, but never follow through?
Why have I become so foolish in my faith?
Why is God NOT MY SUFFICIENCY RIGHT NOW?

Oh crap. God wants to encounter me. How can I tear down the wall that I have so willingly built up? God desires to consume my heart, but I am shoving him away. How do I get back to the point of losing myself in His presence?

I'm nothing without you, Lord. I have nowhere else to go. Please don't turn your back on me yet. I'm trying to tear down this wall brick by brick. I hate what has happened to me spiritually. Lord, fill my life with more men like Jon. Keep me surrounded by transparent people who are willing to go deep. Bring us together and unite us in Your Spirit. Keep us, Lord. Take our breath away once more.

mamihlapinatapai

a look shared by two people, with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire, but which neither one wants to start

Awake My Soul

Lately I've been mulling over the concept of worship. Essentially I've been thinking about what that word means in Christian culture and perhaps the contrast of what it SHOULD mean. I believe "worship" is FAR too closely associated with CCM music played before church services. Now don't get me wrong, that is most definitely worship, but it's not the only way to express love to our Creator.

Is it worshipful to attend church period? Yes.
Does God love it when you spend time with friends who encourage you and build your faith? Yes.
Is it an act of worship to paint something that expresses Truth? Yes.
Would it be worship to use time wisely? Yes.
When it comes to creating your own piece of music, is that a way of loving on the Lord? Yes.
Is it a way of worshiping if you remain pure in relationships? Yes.
Is it considered worship to serve someone? Yes.
When you're silent, spending some time alone, is that worship? Yes.
Are you still worshiping when you're taking the day to just rest? Yes.

And these are just the ones I could think of off the top of my head. There are a million ways to Glorify God. Thinking about this led me to another point... Can non-Christian music be worshipful? HECK YES. It's like, even if the artist doesn't call it a worship song, they are conveying a deeper Truth regardless. Even the *gasp* SECULAR musicians produce pieces of work that express a love that every human heart desires to cry out to a greater Being. Recently, I've been immersed in Mumford & Sons, an up and coming folk band, whose themes are more genuinely worshipful than those of some contemporary Christian artists making music today. I can't get enough of their brand of worship.

See what I mean:
Awake My Soul (Lyrics)
Sigh No More (Lyrics)
Roll Away Your Stone (Lyrics)
After the Storm (Lyrics)

Thoughts on Humanity as it Relates to Relationships

People suck.
Like, they suck BAD.
*facepalm*

Tie Me Up! Untie Me!

I wish I could look into my heart and know what I want. I wish I could fabricate a life that I could be SURE would include satisfaction, fulfillment and love. I wish that I could be less socially inept. I wish my neurosis would take a backseat for once, instead of driving all the time. I wish that people could SEE ME for the person I am instead of the person they THINK I am. I wish I could be informed as to who that person is.

Most importantly, I wish I would stop wishing and go live.

You Are My Sunshine

I've been thinking a lot lately... I think it's because summer's ending in T minus 4.5 days for me and I know subconsciously that once the RA training and school year get going, I won't have time to REALLY think about things other than schoolwork. Here have been some of my most prominent thoughts of late:

How are Christians supposed to balance a holy life that's set apart from the world, while still dealing with a desire to be loved and accepted by the people around them? That longing to be wanted is in every person's heart, no matter how strong or weak the desire is, it's there. But we aren't supposed to fit in with the world. We're supposed to live far above the standard of the world, even to the point of being persecuted for what we believe. We're made for good, selfless, loving community, but if the people in your own home don't understand that or aren't capable of that, how do you balance it on an emotional level? Practically, living a holy lifestyle is the priority. It's all about pleasing God, yo. But when pleasing God comes at the price of loneliness and detachment, how do you deal with those emotions?

If my relationship with my dad primarily consists of him making fun of me and I finally tell him how much it sucks to hear those things all the time, is that ruining our relationship? Crap. Did I just totally break our father-daughter connection? Hm. Looks like we need to find something else to talk about instead of how I'm no fun anymore.

Can you like someone without being attracted to them? Sometimes a person gets more attractive as you get to know them better and like their personality more, right? We'll see.

I get so frustrated... no... SO FRUSTRATED by parents who aren't consistent in the discipline of their children. I don't care if you and I have different thoughts on the "right" way to discipline, just be consistent. Spank them, paddle them, yell at them, reason with them, take things away, whatever it is you do, DO IT. If you aren't consistent with your discipline, your kid won't know for sure where the boundary is that you're trying to set! Bajeebers!

I'm terrified of how the collective global population idolizes progress. *shudder*

I'd really like this one sweet tattoo on my left foot, but I just found out that this creep of a guy has the same thing tattooed on his shoulder... I mean, the one I want is sweeter because it includes some lyrics from my favorite hymn, but still. I'm torn now. I might get it anyway. I might redesign. Poo.

It's interesting how people are always striving to gain the affirmation of other people. Donald Miller wrote about this in his book Searching For God Knows What. He called this affirmation seeking behavior the Lifeboat Theory. You know that exercise you've heard about kids doing for "values clarification" purposes? You know the one: there's a lifeboat that can hold 5 people, there are six people trying to get on... a successful lawyer, a doctor, a housewife, her son with Down Syndrome, a four star chef, and a college student. Which one doesn't make it on the boat? Well, each one presumably makes an argument as to why he or she should be allowed on the boat. Life is this way, too. Everyone goes around talking about their accomplishments, what they have to offer, and why keeping them around would be better for everyone else as well. You know what I say? That's BULL. On one hand, you have the fact that we aren't supposed to be trying to please everyone else!! God gave us our talents, we use them to glorify God, not to exalt ourselves or prove ourselves "worthy" of acceptance. We don't have to SELL ourselves to be get affirmation! We are who we are. Period. And on the other hand you have the fact that there's room enough for everyone in the boat already, so no justification is needed. Jesus tossed himself out of the boat a looooong time ago so that there'd be enough room for us all. It's about time people start to recognize that, fall to their knees in thanksgiving, and stop being SO ANNOYING by trying to outdo everyone else to prove themselves "better candidates" for the boat.

I miss my lost best guy friend. This time it was my fault that I lost him.

Camping is one of the great joys of life. There is nothing like being outside all day and all night. God's creation is so beautiful and so full of life and music. What a brilliant God we serve.

Run Free

"And so I grew from colt to stallion, as wild and as reckless as thunder over the land. Racing with the eagle, soaring with the wind. Flying? There were times I believed I could."

This may or may not be a quote from the movie "Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron". Okay, okay, it is. My niece is in the other room watching "Spirit" for the very first time, and I overheard that piece of the title character's monologue-esque thoughts.

Have you ever had those moments where your heart was so full, you felt like you could take anything the world could throw your way? In the moment those moments feel like they're going to last forever. Like there's no way you can come down from the high. Yes, if you try hard enough, you can fly.

It's as soon as you take the leap off of the garage roof in your attempt to fly that you realize those moments of natural ecstasy are fleeting. We've all had those elusive perfect summer nights, wonderfully productive days, and hang out sessions that we wish would never end, but like all things they DO end. In the aforementioned movie, Spirit ends up being captured and his freedom comes to an abrupt end.

It's heartbreaking when the good times come to an end, but would we REALLY prefer to have nothing but good days? Would we appreciate them as much? I think not. I know a million people have talked about this before, but I sit here convicted by this thought. I was thinking that I haven't had one of those great, full-heart days in such a long time, I'm starting to forget what it feels like. But you know what? Maybe it'll be when I'm down to the last shred of a memory of that feeling that God will bless me with one of those times.

How much sweeter would a drink of water seem after spending 5 hours in a desert, rather than after spending 5 hours in a swimming pool? I'm thankful for my deserts.

No Man's A Stone

I want to know you.
I want to know everything about you. Your favorite color, the movies you watch, the first song that ever gave you chills.
Not only the facts, though. I want to know your convictions and why you feel so strongly about them. I want to see the world from your eyes. I already know that I love the way you perceive things, and I want just to experience a little glimpse of what you see.
Let me know your heart. Tell me your secrets. You can trust me. I promise to always be the person you can turn to and rely on; I know you'll be that for me, too.
Sing with me. Hold my hand.
Let's go on a trip to nowhere. To anywhere. To EVERYwhere. Just us.
I pray that we let our walls fall down. You are my love.

"Walls Fall Down" by Bedouin Soundclash

Meet my good friend, Internet.

So the interwebs are alive and well, and, as always, a great way of frittering away precious time. There are some sites that I am constantly checking to get a good laugh. Lulz. lollerskates and roflcopters. You know what I mean. Upon the urging of one miss Kelly Kubiak, I've decided to make a definitive list of THE top-notch sites to waste time on. Happy trolling!

1. Omegle. This is the significantly less creepy version of Chatroulette. IMing with strangers proves to be A) wicked entertaining, B) a great place to go for good music recs, and C)a place to meet pretty cool people from time to time.

2. Chatroulette Trolling. This is a compendium of hilarity from Omegle, Chatroulette, and Yahoo Answers... plus the occasional Youtube video. This one keeps me laughing for a loooong time.

3. Omegle Conversations. Like Chatroulette Trolling, this is a submission-based site, but it is exclusive to, well, omegle conversations. Some are short, some are very long, but they're almost all pure gold.

4. Wedinator. Yep, this on is all about wedding wins and fails. Some people's weddings deserve massive facepalms and some warrant a long life of happiness. Both types are captured on this site.

5. Totally Looks Like. Side by side comparisons of things that look like other things! Okay, doesn't sound captivating, but it DEFINITELY is.

6. Stumble Upon. I haven't used this as much since I've found the others on the list, but it's still extremely noteworthy. Check boxes next to your interests and click stumble... You will be taken on a custom made journey around the internet. :)

7. Stereo Mood. This one isn't really for the lulz so much, but that doesn't make it any less awesome. It's an online radio service, like last.fm or pandora, but it has huge music selections specific to certain moods or activities that you might be doing. Very eclectic selection, but always accurate.

8. Very Demotivational. Demotivational posters with a pop-culture spin. HILARIOUS.

9. Comixed. Comic strips made from pictures of pop-culture icons... I swear, my description is just not good enough for how good the site is.

10. Awkward Family Photos. The site name says it all.

11. Your scene sucks. Breaks down every type of scenester there is, complete with cartoon diagram and full description.

12. Look at this f***ing hipster. Blog style site with countless pictures of hipsters in their natural environment.

13. Unrelated Captions. Pictures with captions that have nothing to do with each other at all. BAHAHA

14. Failbook. Everything gone wrong on facebook under one URL.

15. Tots and Crafts. Kids draw/write/make the DARNDEST things.

Okay. That's all I've got for now. If I can think of any more, there will totally be a definitive list part TWO!

The Up and Up

Since my last post, I have grown in my contentment again, slowly but surely. I still long for adventures and I still wish Peter Pan was my best friend (oh wait, that wasn't in my blog, was it? haha) but I've been trying to live up my summer to the most and re-perspective-ize it. There's this song by Local Natives called "Sun Hands" that has done much good for my heart. The lyrics are so beautiful to me:

I climbed to the top of a hill
But I had just missed the sun
And although the descending arc was gone
Left behind were the traces that always follow along

The most beautiful colors chase the sun
They wrap her trail in a taunting gesture
That seems to sing out loud,
"this is what you're missing"

I'll endure the night
For the promise of light

I want to lift my hands towards the sun
Show me warmth
Baby, won't you show me warmth again?
And when I can feel with my sun hands
I'll promise not to lose her again
And even if the morning never comes
My hands are blessed to have touched the sun

And when I can feel with my sun hands
I promise not to lose her again

Let me be anyone but the person I have become

In the past two days, I've aged a lifetime... or at least, I've thought enough to fill a philosopher's head for a lifetime. That being said, I have a lot of things I need to get out there. This is going to be 100% me. No pretenses. No mask. It'll probably seem sort of stream-of consciousness, but I'm going to do my best to stay centered around a theme.

I am struggling. I'm struggling with a heart full of shattered dreams and broken aspirations. I am stifled. I'm stuck where I am and there doesn't seem to be a way of escape anywhere I look. I want adventure... There is nothing more that my soul craves right now than adventure. And art. And love. But art and love are adventures in themselves!

I WANT A LIFE OF CREATIVITY. To paraphrase something a friend told me once, if I don't do something creative RIGHT NOW, I'm going to go crazy. I need to put myself out there in some form. I need pieces of me to come out instead of being stuck in this skin with no one to listen but heart. My heart has had enough. My heart is exhausted and needs someone else to listen. I can't get out my creativity where I am. This dead end town and house full of discord is suffocating my spirit. Any type of creating I could think to do, I can't do here. I want to WRITE! I want to PAINT! I want to play MUSIC as LOUD as it can GO! But that won't happen here. I am stuck.

I need to go somewhere. Anywhere. I need to be a dandelion seed that floats on the wind until I find a new place to grow. I want to jump out of this skin and run as far and as fast as I can. I don't care where, just SOMEWHERE. Somewhere that has new experiences waiting, no strings attached. Somewhere where I can get over my stupid insecurities and just BE. This somewhere is anywhere else but here.

Realistically let's look at this. I am nobody. I'm never going to be that bohemian girl at the indie festival who seems to know everyone and knows exactly who she is. I won't be that girl at the coffee shop living her extravagant and awesome life as the curator of an art gallery. I won't be anyone but a nobody with the soul of an artist. I couldn't afford to live the life that I'd want, anyway. I would make friends with lots of hobos if I pursued my dreams.

Not to mention the hearts that would break if I struck out and blazed my own trail. My life is planned. There are a few choices I have... like where to go to grad school. The worst part about it is that I built my own cage and now I'm locked in it. My parents didn't put me here (though my dad has a cage waiting for me in case I bust out of my own and he can catch me with his), my relatives, school, and friends... none of them put me here. I hand-made this cage of formerly blinding passion, neurosis, and unachievable standards. I waltzed into it with a smile on my face and a laugh on my tongue. After it latched behind me, I took the one key to it and chucked it through the bars thinking I would be happy in my cage forever. Now I'm sitting in my cage, I'm alone and starving.

These thoughts reek of discontentment, lust for an impossible life, and bitterness toward myself for feeling this way. THIS IS MY MOST UPSETTING STRUGGLE. My faith rests so much on contentment. Should I wear a mask and look like everything is exactly how I'd like it to be? "But then," you maybe thinking, "is it not true that you believe that someone must endure struggles to grow? That God knows what He's doing and knows exactly who you are to become?" Yes. These are truths of what I believe. Great is His faithfulness to me everyday. This is not a cry of "my life is so unfair". I am taken aback by the incredible blessings I've received every day for 20 years, 1 month, and 2 weeks. What I'm saying is... I wish I hadn't have locked myself in this cage. God didn't do this to me, I did.

I can blame this house and town until I'm blue in the face, but even if I did up and leave to go somewhere else, I would still be there and that's where the problem lies.

I'll never be a writer like Jesse.
I'll never be an artist like my mother.
I can't make music like A Minor Bird.
I'll never be able to review music and extract its depth like Nick.
What I will be is a nobody with a withering spirit and shoulders full of shame.

These words are the product of reflection. I said that this is 100% me, but I am also 100% the opposite of this. It has been like standing on the outside of a house, looking in through a window at the thoughts and desires of another person. The problem is, I don't know which me is the one on the inside and which is the one on the outside... or which one I prefer to be, for that matter. If you know me, you know that I am not self-centered, defensive, or shaken. Clearly I am all of those things.

There are two questions that have repeated in my mind since the catalyst that started my thinking... What am I doing? and What's the point? When I try to answer the questions, my heart begins to ache. I thought I knew the answers to these questions, but now I have no idea.

Boom Goes the Dynamite

http://dismrepair08.wordpress.com/2010/03/25/more-disgruntled-thoughts-regarding-dating/

Read that.

Really, follow that link.

If you've ever thought about dating, especially in our culture where at my ripe old age of 19 I'm a weirdie for not having or even wanting a boyfriend, read that.

If you're in a relationship and want to know how those of us who are unattached feel all the time, read it.

My friend Jesse really hits the nail on the head here. Unbelievably.

Note: it isn't a woe is me kind of lamenting about singleness. It's a great perspective piece that I complete relate to.
READ IT!

Transitions

Honestly, how often do you feel like you're genuinely at a good place, or "platform" in your life? I'll just make it clear that I don't feel that way very often. The majority of the time I feel like I'm in a weird transition phase, facing changes and going wherever God takes me... in my perceived experience, God has taken me to yet another transition. I've felt doomed to live a transition to transition lifestyle with nary a solid place to stand.

It's funny because this shows how limited my human understanding of God is. Yes, there are changes that everyone has to deal with, but unlike how my brain has previously perceived it, I am NOT always in a wispy, uncertain, faceless kind of transition.

Christ is my solid ground. Christ holds me fast. And even with those "Christian-ese" phrases that I try not to use too often when addressing a mixed audience, I just can't proceed without saying that Jesus is my Strength and Solid Ground.

I suppose the event that brought this on was that yesterday the president of my university "retired" effective immediately. This happened right after I finally felt like I was actually in a good, solid place with some time to breathe. In my mind, one of the implications of him leaving in the fashion that it happened was that my place of rest was stolen way from under me and that yet again I was thrown into transition and upheaval. However, when I was reflecting back on it, I realized that my perception has been off all along.

Like when James talks about trials, right? James 2:12 says "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God had promised to those who love Him." Trials are a part of life; they are a part of the path we all have to go down. Like trials aren't a completely separate entity from life, transitions aren't a completely separate entity from a solid platform that we stand upon. (Haha, I'll put a diagram at the end to help me explain.)

All I'm saying is, transitions are bumps in the road, not separate from the road. We are equipped to handle said bumps and if we handle them with faith and perseverance, seeking God with every bit of who we are, we will receive the crown of life, yo.

Woot for transition!
Woot for trial!
Woot for Christ as our solid ground through it all!

The Letter "X"

Today I was thinking about how weird the letter "X" is. Not only is it kind of a pointless letter in the alphabet (Question: what sound does "x" make that other letters can't? Answer: NONE), but there are so many things that are represented by these two crossing diagonal lines.

Let's explore a few things it symbolizes:
- Treasure.
- The number 10.
- Social reform.
- A type of hallucinogen.
- An unknown variable.
- Christ.

And there are lots more! All I'm saying is it's interesting to me that one written character can have so many meanings. It's like people's actions, and furthermore, our REactions... there's almost always a better one to use, and each one can be interpreted in a lot of different ways. This has led me to believe that everyone, myself DEFINITELY included, should be more aware of how we react to things and and how we present ourselves. We never know how others will perceive what we do and say. People can end up seriously hurt, confused, or put off if the "X" we intended as Christ was translated in another's mind as an unknown variable.

I guess what I'm getting at is the need to be intentional about our actions and even our thoughts. Thoughts are the breeding ground for actions. We should put ourselves in the best habits to live the most exemplary lives we know to live.

Let our "X's" always show exactly what they mean.

The Ultimate Bucket List of Ultimate Destiny

Well, since all the cool kids are posting their bucket lists to their blogs, here's the first 80 things from mine. haha i'm ambitious. oh, plus i decided to make some of my list interactive! :)

1. Try every flavor of Campbell’s soup.
2. Learn sign language.
3. Skydive.
4. Fill a small pool full of cornstarch and water & run across it.
5. Learn to be a great cook.
6. Kiss the blarney stone.
7. Travel by gondola.
8. Sail off the coast of Greece.
9. Zip line.
10. Make a scrapbook.
11. Learn to play the drums.
12. Do something drastic with my hair.
13. Adopt at least one child.
14. See Celine Dion in concert.
15. Pay for a family’s meal at a restaurant.
16. Go for a midnight walk in the snow with someone I love.
17. Dance in the rain.
18. Ride an elephant.
19. Eat Mexican food in Texas.
20. Visit every state in the US.
21. Visit the Henrikssons in Sweden.
22. Own a Macbook
23. Drive a turquoise and off-white ’57 Chevy Bel-Air
24. See the world’s largest ball of yarn.
25. Visit the Flea Market Montgomery.
25.1 Price check the dinette sets and possibly buy one.
26. Do something “impossible”.
27. Get something waxed.
28. Use Crest White Strips
29. Teach someone something.
30. Watch a meteor shower.
31. Submit a piece of original art in a contest or display.
32. Attend any Olympic games.
33. England, England, England… whatever that means. Visit, reside, something.
34. Shake the hands of David Tennant, Noel Fielding, Julian Barret, Milo Ventimiglia, Gary Oldman, Brian Williams, Kirk Cameron, and Will Smith.
35. Get a professional make-over.
36. See the Mighty Boosh live performance.
37. Go backpacking.
38. If, and only if married, do the deed in an airplane.
39. If, and only if married, do the deed in a state or national park.
40. Get mom her own private Zambelli fireworks display.
41. Go to Israel.
42. Send the Henrys to Israel.
43. Find out how to correctly use the word “defacto” in a sentence.
44. MEET MICK JONES. (This is him today... still the most amazing man of my life.)
45. Do a psychological analysis of Kurt Cobain.
46. Buy Steve Berkenkemper’s “A Phonic Fiesta” from iTunes.
47. Donate plasma.
48. Donate platelets.
49. Stand up in the middle of a crowded place (subway or something) and try to start a sing-a-long.
50. Panhandle using my flute.
51. Tailgate at an NFL game.
52. Attend The Father’s House Chili campus.
53. Eat a Philly cheese steak in Philadelphia.
54. Eat at the original Skyline in Cincinnati.
55. Donate my hair to Locks of Love or similar association.
56. Watch every John Hughes movie in marathon style.
57. Take a mud bath.
58. Wrestle in a pool of mud, pudding, or jello.
59. Be an extra in a movie.
60. Spelunk.
61. Attend a Star Trek convention.
62. Go to Comic Con, CES, E3, BlizzCon, or something of the sort.
63. Buy season tickets to the Cavs.
64. Wear red lipstick with smoky eye makeup.
65. Read My Name is Asher Lev.
66. Tap some maples and make my own syrup.
67. Make a giant monetary contribution to Heartland.
68. Eat at a hibachi restaurant.
69. Have one of those magical summers.
70. Learn all the words to “The Trapeze Swinger”.
71. Go to Owatonna, Minnesota and find Adam Young.
72. Live in a tiny town like Stars Hollow.
73. Get a dog and name him Boxer.
74. Work in a little vintage store or boutique.
75. Dread my hair.
76. See A Minor Bird rise to fame.
77. Attend either The Lion King, Spamalot, or Wicked on Broadway.
78. Visit James Dean’s grave.
79. Go upstairs in Graceland.
80. Find a movie that makes me sob every time I watch it.

Here's the video that inspired the title of my bucket list! "The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny"

[Something poignant and creative]

The Holy Spirit is big. Bigger than you, bigger than me, bigger than any situation we can find ourselves in. I am unbelievably thankful for that. I am nearly moved to tears when I think about the love that God pours out by the bucketful on us... partly I blame the full moon for the weepiness. Full moons mess with me. Maybe I'm a werewolf. That would be funny.

Here's the thing on my mind. I'm brokenhearted about the state of my campus... I know that we're not spiritually dead by any means, but I also know that we could be doing way better. As a friend stated a few days ago, Malone's bubble has been popped. There are people here who don't know Christ, who don't know the love that they deserve. My question is WHAT AM I DOING TO SHOW THEM?

I want to lead. I want to fan the flames of spiritual EAGERNESS among my fellow students. I long for my campus to long for the Lord. He won't relent until He has it all and I've resolved that I won't relent until He has it all either.