Fritz Perls Part II

Lots of homework. Stressed. Great conversation last night... challenging, encouraging, convicting. He's too dang good. I'm not good enough. HE is too dang awesome. No one is good enough. But we are because He says we are. Beautiful.

Fritz Perls Style

Lately I'm alone even when there are people around. Quoted Bonhoeffer at lunch... felt pretentious. Apparently my face is never without a scowl. When did that happen? Can't I make decisions without there being 100 implications? Maybe I just never thought about gauging my ears before Beth asked if I wanted to. No, this was not to fit in better. Fit in with who? Clearly I fit with no one because I'm left out 80% of the time. Hurt. Downpour soaked me but I didn't hate it. I love rain. Quiet would be nice. Too many feelings. Emo. I hate emo kids. I AM an emo kid right now. Disgusting.

Honesty? I don't know what that is right now. I don't know how to say no. Choking on my own inner tension. Angry and annoyed. Violence has never been my thing, but I could use a physical outlet of some sort right now. God. Where does God fit in to this? Where do I fit into Him? Lies. Twice today already. Freaking great. Failure.

is this real life?

i feel like i'm too plugged in. i know it's lame and i opted into all of it, but i feel like all of the social networking sites i'm part of allow me to become anyone i wish to be. i can have one personality on facebook, a different (more emo screamo) personality on here, yet another one (more nerdy/goofy)on twitter, and still others on tumblr and last.fm.

i think it's interesting how different sides of angela manifest in different outlets. i'll bet money that it's because i know who sees each of these websites. i carefully monitor how i'm portraying myself based on who will see it. i'm no better than the average mask-wearing weenie.

i suppose the combination of all of those things is me... or maybe it's still not. hm, i'm on the verge of an existential crisis. oh well, i'll deal with it another day.

Come Out of the Cave Walking on Your Hands

I have a Greek test tomorrow that I am semi-unprepared for. I dislike that feeling. I am not woefully unprepared. I like that feeling.

I greatly enjoy my biweekly lunches with Jesse... and I'm not just saying that because I think he actually reads my blog. I'm just saying it because it's on my mind.

Sometimes I wish I could take on the life a totally different person for one day. Maybe someday I'll wear a disguise and act very unlike myself. Probably not.

I don't think I'm going to reapply to be an RA next year. We'll see.

It would be wonderful to have a three day period with no responsibilities and no people around so I could just rest and be productive.

I am too nostalgic for my own good a lot of the time. I'm also too much of a hopeless romantic for my own good. I usually pretend that love sickens me and I make sarcastic disgusted comments about couples.

The clock in my dorm room ticks very loudly.

Some days I think I'm too boring for anyone to find interesting. Some days I think I'm too weird for anyone to relate to. I have no idea how people perceive me.

How He Loves Us

Why can't I be more pumped about God?
Why has apathy swallowed my motivation?
Why is it that when I hear worship music or truly wise words, I get romanticized ideas of action and service, but never follow through?
Why have I become so foolish in my faith?
Why is God NOT MY SUFFICIENCY RIGHT NOW?

Oh crap. God wants to encounter me. How can I tear down the wall that I have so willingly built up? God desires to consume my heart, but I am shoving him away. How do I get back to the point of losing myself in His presence?

I'm nothing without you, Lord. I have nowhere else to go. Please don't turn your back on me yet. I'm trying to tear down this wall brick by brick. I hate what has happened to me spiritually. Lord, fill my life with more men like Jon. Keep me surrounded by transparent people who are willing to go deep. Bring us together and unite us in Your Spirit. Keep us, Lord. Take our breath away once more.

mamihlapinatapai

a look shared by two people, with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire, but which neither one wants to start

Awake My Soul

Lately I've been mulling over the concept of worship. Essentially I've been thinking about what that word means in Christian culture and perhaps the contrast of what it SHOULD mean. I believe "worship" is FAR too closely associated with CCM music played before church services. Now don't get me wrong, that is most definitely worship, but it's not the only way to express love to our Creator.

Is it worshipful to attend church period? Yes.
Does God love it when you spend time with friends who encourage you and build your faith? Yes.
Is it an act of worship to paint something that expresses Truth? Yes.
Would it be worship to use time wisely? Yes.
When it comes to creating your own piece of music, is that a way of loving on the Lord? Yes.
Is it a way of worshiping if you remain pure in relationships? Yes.
Is it considered worship to serve someone? Yes.
When you're silent, spending some time alone, is that worship? Yes.
Are you still worshiping when you're taking the day to just rest? Yes.

And these are just the ones I could think of off the top of my head. There are a million ways to Glorify God. Thinking about this led me to another point... Can non-Christian music be worshipful? HECK YES. It's like, even if the artist doesn't call it a worship song, they are conveying a deeper Truth regardless. Even the *gasp* SECULAR musicians produce pieces of work that express a love that every human heart desires to cry out to a greater Being. Recently, I've been immersed in Mumford & Sons, an up and coming folk band, whose themes are more genuinely worshipful than those of some contemporary Christian artists making music today. I can't get enough of their brand of worship.

See what I mean:
Awake My Soul (Lyrics)
Sigh No More (Lyrics)
Roll Away Your Stone (Lyrics)
After the Storm (Lyrics)